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Reform to rebrand as The Chair Party



Following a Party rally which saw hundreds of empty seats in a modestly sized venue, Nigel Farage has announced a rebrand as The Chair Party.


'Look, we represent chairs. British chairs. And we're supremely successful', he told reporters. Just look at our rallies - chairs turn up in their hundreds to see me. And the other three. Not Rupert, though - he's more of a sofa man'.


Furniture has not, traditionally, been allowed to vote in UK elections, which Farage sees as 'just the Establishment protecting its own'. It's unclear whether he can get the law changed before the next General Election but one thing is clear: his rallies will look a lot fuller from now on.




Andrew Tate revealed as comedy character



Manosphere “influencer” Andrew Tate was today revealed to be a comedy character, created and performed by comedian Steve Bradshaw.


'I’d been working the clubs for a while, keeping my head above water without ever really breaking through,' said Bradshaw today. 'Then I read something about these manosphere influencers on the internet, and thought that was a ripe subject for parody.


'I never for a moment imagined people would take him seriously. I mean, do people watch Philomena Cunk and think she’s a real historian? Or Nigel Farage and think he’s a real politician?'


'It is weird,” agreed Mike Jenkins, who Bradshaw recruited to play Tate’s brother Tristan. “I mean, the obvious homoeroticism of these guys hanging around the gym all day admiring each other’s physiques, but claiming to be 100% uber-heterosexual. In a way, it’s a little depressing people haven’t got the joke.'


Bradshaw said he also felt bad about “Hustlers’ University”, started by “Tate” a few years ago to give disaffected young men the life skills to become “hustlers”.


'Surely it’s obvious he’s the one hustling them? Taking their money and giving them nothing but retarded garbage in return? How do people not get this?'


In the circumstances, and despite the fact they’re making him more money than comedy ever did, he agreed to suspend all Tate’s courses lest they cause harm in the real world.


Meanwhile on Reddit, the subthread r/tateisreal was created so angry young men could warn each other not to be taken in by the “fake news” that Tate is a comedian who was taking the piss out of them all along.


'Tate completely changed my life,' said user AlphaBro. 'Without him, I’d never have got my girlfriend to do webcam work, so I could live a life of leisure off the money she makes me. Well, I say girlfriend - I haven’t seen her in a while, and her stuff doesn’t seem to be in the flat any more. Which means I’ve finally got room for a weights bench and gaming chair! #livingmybestlife'


Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

Farage runs out of MPs to argue with


Nigel Farage has admitted that sacking a quarter of his MPs has reduced his opportunities to disagree with people.


'I'm close to having to argue with myself', admitted Mr Farage.


'I don't think you are', said Mr Farage in riposte.


'Oh, come on, you frog-faced turnip', shouted Mr Farage.


Mr Farage was later admitted to hospital with a fist shaped bruise on his face which is believed to have been self-inflicted.


'Mr Farage appears to have slapped himself', explained a hospital spokesman, 'But, to be fair, if he saw his face in a mirror who wouldn't want to slap it?'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive / your nightmares

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