King to have Nicholas Witchell's head removed from rectum

King Charles was today taken to hospital to have one-time journalist Nicholas Witchell's head removed from his rectum.

The Palace was keen to stress this was not an emergency, merely dealing with a problem the King's physicians have been aware of for some years.

A ginger growth in the royal passage was first detected in 1998, when Witchell gave up journalism to become the BBC's Royal Correspondent. Later scans showed a strip of red so long it was initially mistaken for a red carpet, but turned out to be Witchell's tongue.

Witchell's editors at the BBC say this casts his claim to have been privy to "backstairs gossip" in an entirely new light.

Physicians say the King should be much more comfortable after the operation, though he might find the BBC's coverage isn't so fawning and uncritical any more, to which he replied "Oh God, really? Any chance we could put it back?"

image from pixabay

Nicholas Witchell to leave the Royal Anus

Finally retiring from full-time forelock tugging, Mr Witchell will be hosed down and put out to pasture. For 25 years he has been lodged in the monarch's sphincter, with only a solitary piece of sweetcorn to keep him company.

Being wedged in the royal arse has often been a mutual discomfort. The Queen was particularly aggrieved when Witchell forgot to cut his nails for a week - described as her anus horribilis.

The queue to replace him is substantial, given that the price of property is so high in central London. The anus is described by estate agents as having a unique view of the Royal bowel and inbuilt bathroom facilities. Technically it's self catering but in reality the new occupant will need to swallow everything it is given. Even the stuff about Prince Andrew not sweating.

Image: Aleviva-Medien - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell

In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.

Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."

"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."

Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."

image from pixabay