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MP confuses nurses with someone wearing a French maid’s outfit



The backbencher expressed outrage that these saucy minxes should be demanding a pay rise: ‘All they do is lounge around provocatively in A&E departments, delivering trays of patisserie while bending over in frilly knickers. And if they’re on strike, who is going to buff the Ming vase with an oversized feather duster or get chased by a randy vicar?’



According to the Health Department, nurses are technically the doctor’s butler and should only speak when spoken to. 78% of all staff are called Désirée and uniforms can only be made from mesh halter tops, with a titillating apron. Sadly, any industrial action by the nurses will seriously disrupt the queue time to see such a skimpy outfit.


Remarked Barry, 47, a nurse: ‘I’ve never dressed in make-believe fetish gear – not unless you count the fake PPE equipment the Government sold us.’




Emergency NHS planning in chaos after the army decide to camouflage ambulances



The injured, dead and dying were forced to take taxis and e-scooters to hospital A & E units today after thousands of ambulances went missing.


Army personnel were due to replace the usual good-for-nothing NHS striking shirkers, but after jumping into the vehicles, they’ve not been seen since.


Brigadier Sir Marmaduke “Squiffy” Squiffers, the head of the army, has admitted that his chaps have “rather gone over the top with this jolly.” Twiddling his impressive handlebar moustache he added: “Intelligence has intercepted coded messages confirming that our chaps assumed Putin had invaded. That’s why they took immediate tactical measures to safeguard the ambulance fleet. Never fear; they are out there somewhere.”


Reports suggest that several ambulances have been spotted in the North Libyan desert. The SAS is alleged to have hijacked dozens of vehicles and installed machine guns on the roof for safe operation behind enemy picket lines.



image from pixabay

NHS to use laughter as the next best medicine



Laugh yourself healthy.


An absence of funding, preparation, foresight, and Oxford commas has led to a severe shortage of medicine stocks within the NHS. The Health Secretary and grannyslayer Steve Barclay has urged healthcare professionals to bring in Christmas cracker jokes early and use them as cures for everything from herpes to severed spines.


'We don't know how many have died not laughing,' said Dr Sherman Heritage from the Surrey Healthcare and Impalas Trust, 'but we played a Christmas special of Mrs Brown's Boys in the ICU and that opened up 14 much needed beds immediately.'


A government deal with the TV channel Comedy Central has been described as NHS privatisation by stealth. This is, however, not the case at all as the government is far too incompetent and leaky to conduct anything stealthily.


[Hat tip to modelmaker]



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