Explosion hits NHS hospital - and no one notices

With bodies lying everywhere and staff frantically running around, putting out fires, many would have assumed this was a normal Friday. Yet an exploding gas main has left whole sections of the hospital without electricity - so more like a Monday really.

Observed one doctor: 'It's carnage, and that's just morale. Admittedly the devastation has shortened waiting times, but only by killing half the patients.

'The HR department is a smouldering ruin, and we haven't been able to pay or recruit staff in weeks - so no change there then.'

A&E waiting times halved with double-decker trolleys

Instead of trying to fix the NHS, self-proclaimed prime minister Rishi Sunak has invested all of the public's money in a Rolodex of excuses. A world-beating Rolodex of excuses, according to the Rolodex itself. The Downing Street Special Excuses Unit flipped through it and chose the following ones to bung into the government's official hand-washing of the matter:

'You plebs keep getting injured, so it's your fault. Old people keep getting ill, so it's their fault. An unfavourable exchange rate. Nurses are all nymphomaniac sluts shagging the doctors instead of making patients better. Vladimir Putin did it. The world's best value health service is too expensive for the UK. Labour invented the NHS so blame them. Keir Starmer. Just Keir Starmer.'

Health Secretary Steve Barclay then shoved his arm deep into the back end of the Department of Health Cow Tombola and dredged out these three "doing everything we can" fixes:

'To ease unsustainable pressures, pharmacists will do amputations. To solve critical bed shortages, patients will top and tail. And nurses have been instructed to raid Asda for more trolleys.'

These fixes are like turning up to A&E with your arse blown off, then being told to sit down and wait.

Contributions from: deskpilot, mcdabble, modelmaker, Titus, SteveB

UK Govt. admits: World's best value health service is too pricey for UK

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