Money for nurses if they dress up like a tank

The Ministry of Defence has said nurses can have a pay rise, provided they are willing to fight on the Ukrainian front line. 'We have plenty of cash for killing people, just not very much for saving lives. Your average nurse would be much better off if they looked like a Stryker personnel carrier.

'We're not saying they don't do vital work in hospitals. I'm just saying they would be much handier strapped to a bomb and dropped from 10,000 feet. Hence our new slogan, 'clap for nurses that go splat'.'

Redeployed staff will be dressed in military fatigues as opposed to actual fatigue. While patients are encouraged to stop giving thanks and just give tanks. Said one Challenger Tank: 'I used to work in an A&E department on a Friday night, so its nice to get away from all the death and destruction.'

Image: Kevin Schmid (@lighttouchedphotography) | Unsplash Photo Community

Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others

However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.

Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.

'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.

'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'

Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'

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Image: Tumisu | Pixabay

Government awards ambulance tracker contract to FlightRadar24

In a bid to reassure patients that the ambulance they requested is actually on its way, the government has given a contract to FlightRadar24, who are adding ambulances to their app. Patients will now be able to track the progress of their ambulance in real time.

A spokesperson from FlightRadar24 told Newsbiscuit that it had initially seemed like a challenge, but after discussing the matter with their technical whizkids who told the sales team they were already tracking 10 hour non-stop flights successfully, they thought it should be possible to track a truck for at least that long, or even longer, maybe even several days.

The Health Secretary said, 'A lot of the problem was about perception. People worried that after they called 999 and nothing seemed to be happening, they were worried that nothing ever would. Now though, it's just like checking a flight left LA on time and you can follow its path all the way.'

We spoke with a victim of a cycling accident as he was being scraped up off the tarmac to ask whether he thought it was an improvement to the service and were told: 'It's amazing what can be done with technology these days. The Amazon van driver who knocked me over managed to extract my missing leg from the van bumper and was kind enough to put it somewhere safe before he had to rush off for his next delivery, because the customer was tracking that online as well. Thanks to the government, I now know for certain it will only be three days before the ambulance will be here.'

Mabel Thomas, a 90-year old pensioner from Maidstone told us however, 'I can't be arsed with all that app nonsense. I'll just carry on on giving the ambulance staff a decent tip when they take me to hospital and know they won't let me down when I need them.'