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Hospital beds will be self assembly, says government



The £1 billion package to provide beds and ambulances will see a recently refloated MFI supply thousands of self assembly hospital beds to homes to support the associated 'hospital from home' initiative. 'This squares the circle', said a minister today who refused to admit of deny that he had been instrumental in re-floating MFI. 'We know we haven't any spare staff in the hospitals, but at your own house? Of course you have. We'll provide plenty of videos, on Betamax, for anyone wanting to know how to set a line up, perform an appendectomy or carry out CPR,' he added. 'We don't expect the government to provide toasters, though.'


The extra ambulances are actually just Ubers, he confirmed. 'By shipping patients by Uber back to their homes we can take some pressure off the ambulances currently parked up outside hospitals - they can discharge their patients to go back home as soon as the MFI delivery occurs, or sooner,' he said.



image from pixabay

Hancock stands by decision to award contract to his hamster


Matt Hancock has rejected claims that awarding Fluffy the hamster an NHS contract was in any way bias as Fluffy is 'fully qualified' with 'a wealth of experience'.

Fluffy has been a valued member of the Hancock household for almost a year and in that time has left Mr Hancock in no doubt he is the right individual for the job: 'Fluffy is brilliant at keeping his trap shut, unlike other weasely rodents like Dominic Cummings, so he'll be very well received amongst senior members of the conservative party.

Fluffy is also an expert at his wheel, often going round in circles for months on end but making no progress - making him ideal for running an NHS contract.'

Mr Hancock further eradicated any hint of corruption by confirming that he wasn't even aware Fluffy was being considered for the contract: 'Fluffy orchestrated the whole thing without my knowledge, it was nothing to do with me - he must have used my phone and email, and posed as me at a meeting or two, the clever little chap. It's neither here nor there that my agreement with Fluffy is that I get 100% of profit from any contracts he wins.'

It has been reported that current contract tenders include submissions from the spider under Matt Hancock's sink, a snail at the bottom of Matt Hancock's garden, and Matt Hancock's toilet brush.






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