Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.

When The Votes Come In

Come here, my little Mikey

I’ve smoked my wacky baccy

Let’s have a line of cracky

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

If you have a wishy

For the little Rishi

He will seem a little fishy

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

Here’s the lady Mordaunt

Carrying her sword on

Might supersede the morons

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We have got our wishy now the vote’s come in

Berwick-on-Tweed plagued by booze cruises

There is more trouble ahead for Berwick-on-Tweed as the Scottish government has again raised the minimum price of alcohol.

As prices in Scotland rise, there are more and more trips across the border to England to pick up booze on the cheap. While the minimum price for a bottle of wine in Scotland is now £6.09, you can pick up a bottle of Three Peasants Artisanal British Wine for a modest £1.99 – and get a free pack of aspirin thrown in for free.

Shop rents in Berwick are rising as more and more off licences are opening – the town now has an offie for every 42 residents. One of the outlets is a drive through – you can order by phone and pick up your plonk in less than 30 minutes. Local people also complain that local favourites like Newkie Brown are being crowded out by shelf after shelf of Buckfast Fortified Wine and 90 Shilling Bitter.

Every Friday evening there is a long line of vans, coaches and pick up trucks on the A1, heading south into Berwick to pick up supplies for the weekend. And on Saturday and Sunday mornings the local A&E is full of Scots who couldn’t wait to get home before getting stuck in.

The local council is planning to ask Westminster for powers to levy its own alcohol tax. A spokesman said 'We don’t want to stop the Scots from coming south. We just want to persuade them to drive to Newcastle for their cheap drink instead.'

The chief executive of Three Peasants has asked us to clarify that 'artisanal' is one word and not two. The fact that his first name is Arti is, he says, just a coincidence.

Image: Stefan - Photography (pexels.com)