When The Votes Come In

Come here, my little Mikey

I’ve smoked my wacky baccy

Let’s have a line of cracky

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

If you have a wishy

For the little Rishi

He will seem a little fishy

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

Here’s the lady Mordaunt

Carrying her sword on

Might supersede the morons

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We have got our wishy now the vote’s come in

Berwick-on-Tweed plagued by booze cruises

There is more trouble ahead for Berwick-on-Tweed as the Scottish government has again raised the minimum price of alcohol.

As prices in Scotland rise, there are more and more trips across the border to England to pick up booze on the cheap. While the minimum price for a bottle of wine in Scotland is now £6.09, you can pick up a bottle of Three Peasants Artisanal British Wine for a modest £1.99 – and get a free pack of aspirin thrown in for free.

Shop rents in Berwick are rising as more and more off licences are opening – the town now has an offie for every 42 residents. One of the outlets is a drive through – you can order by phone and pick up your plonk in less than 30 minutes. Local people also complain that local favourites like Newkie Brown are being crowded out by shelf after shelf of Buckfast Fortified Wine and 90 Shilling Bitter.

Every Friday evening there is a long line of vans, coaches and pick up trucks on the A1, heading south into Berwick to pick up supplies for the weekend. And on Saturday and Sunday mornings the local A&E is full of Scots who couldn’t wait to get home before getting stuck in.

The local council is planning to ask Westminster for powers to levy its own alcohol tax. A spokesman said 'We don’t want to stop the Scots from coming south. We just want to persuade them to drive to Newcastle for their cheap drink instead.'

The chief executive of Three Peasants has asked us to clarify that 'artisanal' is one word and not two. The fact that his first name is Arti is, he says, just a coincidence.

Image: Stefan - Photography (pexels.com)

Showbiz world stunned as Ant & Dec hand back their latest NTA award

Showbiz has been left reeling following news lovable Geordies Ant and Dec have handed back their 22nd consecutive Best TV Presenter award.

Fans are said to be devastated with hashtag #AntandDecAlwaysWinBestTVPresenterAwardItsTheLaw trending all day on social media sites, while Samaritans report a massive increase in calls to its national helpline.

To add insult to injury, Ant, or it might have been Dec, we’re not sure said: ‘Thawz nie kudos left in it, bonny lad. Even we're embarrassed by having won the bloody thing every year. Well noo, leik, we just cannat be awsed nie maw. And if wor fans durn’t leik it th'ill just have to haddaway an’ shite.’

Catchphrase presenter Stephen Mulhern is understood to have now replaced the boys in the category; not for anything specific. It’s just that he somehow manages to look the dead spit of Ant and Dec rolled into one person. A move NTA big wigs hope might keep the public happy.