Group hug request with King Charles was to avoid shaking that hand

.

Jeremy Hunt to make smoking compulsory

The Chancellor of the Exchequer and newsreaders' nightmare, Jeremy Hunt, has announced that the government is to make smoking compulsory to everyone over 17 with 16 and 15 year olds to be phased in by 2027.

Mr Hunt explained, "I've examined the reasoning behind New Zealand cancelling the ban on smoking and the raising of taxes by cigarette sales obviously outweighs any minor health benefits of not dying."

image from pixabay

Earth's axis tilts by 2° due to human obesity

By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.

'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.

'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'

www.newsbiscuit.com