The boogie man needs his sleep as well

New Year’s Eve resolves to be as sh*t as always

As the count down to the lamest of all celebrations begins, the nation is gripped by the hope that they will just sleep through it. Complained one reveller: ‘At Christmas I get presents and non-stop turkey, whereas on New Year’s Eve I get bills and goosed by the creepy neighbour.’

‘Jools Holland does his music show, where people you thought were dead sing, until you wished they were. Then, everyone tries to phone their family, knowing full well the network will be down.

‘The only highlight of the New Year is seeing all those emotionally needy Londoner’s shivering beside the Thames. And having the satisfaction of knowing they’ve at least four hours on the night-bus to get home.’

Starmer officially out of promises to break

Having gone full-Brexiteer, the Leader of the Opposition admitted he had broken more pledges than a crystal meth user on New Year's Eve. Having graduated from the Lance Armstrong School of Veracity, Sir Keir has a track record that would make The Great Gatsby blush. An aide confirmed: 'Life comes with no guarantees, unless of course, you are buying electrical goods. And even then you have to tick that little box'. Asked if he would commit to stop breaking promises, he said he could not promise anything. Meanwhile Sir Keir's wife was seen nervously checking her marriage vows for the small print.