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'Behind closed portcullises' - Megxit Netflix XXX for Royals




Meghan and Harry’s new Netflix documentary ‘Behind closed Portcullises’ aims to smash the Palace back doors in and spill the caviar. An additional 'get to f*ck' was thrown in for good measure, personally aimed at Wills and Kate, with the release date timed with the Cambridge’s ‘landmark US tour.’


The tour, which America has deemed ‘totally unnecessary,’ will see the future King and Queen carted around America on a golden chariot, led by 12 white ponies and fanned by 55 slaves walking alongside, barefoot.


The total cost is believed to be £5 trillion which will be funded by the taxpayer, as well as specially selected children’s charities close to the Cambridge’s heart.


The stakes are high for the Royals. A royal insider said: 'It’s long been known that there are racist vampires residing at Buckingham Palace. Not Prince Philip, he was racist but not a vampire. Meghan and Harry have bought a series of very tall stakes, which they are currently sharpening and plan to use to purge the Palace of this evil once and for all.'


PM spends weekend at Chequers with fizz and Netflix




Markets eased pressure on the pound and gilts late Friday as news spread that UK Prime Minister Liz Truss had cancelled constituency meetings in Norfolk and had, instead, headed for Chequers in Buckinghamshire. The official line was that the Prime Minister was using the time to polish up her plans to convince the UK she was in control of the country and the economy, however leaked reports indicated she'd raided the drinks cabinet and was curled up on the sofa watching rom-coms back-to-back on Netflix.


'While she isn't making policy decisions, she isn't destroying the country,' said a finance specialist. Kimberly Clark, manufacturers of the Kleenex brand, have reported a sudden boost in government purchases, especially in the Buckinghamshire region and have seen a commensurate boost to its share price. 'Looks like growth, growth, and growth,' said a Kimberly Clark spokesman, admitting that the use of an Oxford comma might cost it lucrative NHS contracts. 'To be fair, the Kleenex boost will cover that,' he added.


Woman depressed after finding out friend successfully completed marathon

Updated: Dec 7, 2021



A woman has been left deeply depressed after discovering her close friend has successfully complete a marathon.


Emma, 34, was eating biscuits and watching Netflix when the news came in: 'I knew she was planning to run a marathon for charity and I went along with it, donating a tenner and sending motivational messages like 'you got this!' and 'you're going to smash it!' but I didn't for a minute believe she would actually complete it. My stomach dropped through the floor when I saw a picture of her on Facebook, standing on the finishing line, holding her medal. I zoomed in to try and spot her tears of misery but she looked genuinely happy. I was sick to my stomach - which may just have been too many biscuits to be fair.


How dare she do this to me, all I want is to eat junk food and sit on my arse without someone rubbing their sporting success in my face. What a bitch.


I replied to her post with 'Wow that's amazing, I am so proud of you' and lots of thumbs up emojis before having a good cry over how utterly selfish and thoughtless she is'.


Emma has heard another friend of hers is planning to do an Iron Man and has her fingers crossed for a spectacular failure to dig her out of her pit of despair.






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