1. We'd forgotten who she is.
2. We'll never get that time back.
3. Watching paint dry is fun by comparison.
4. We wasted our money on Netflix.
5. We'd forgotten who who is?
image from pixabay
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The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’
Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.
In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.
Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.
At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge.
Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'
Picture credit: deskpilot
The runt of a litter of puppies that a Wolverhampton rescue charity has been desperate to find a home for is optimistic of a film career that will rival Lassie’s after the BBC put an appeal on its website. Calls to the charity were said to be coming in faster than any Glastonbury ticket tout has ever had, but bidding ended after Netflix put in an unmatchable bid for the puppy.
It isn’t known at this stage why Netflix have an interest in the puppy, but a bloke we met in the pub who once worked in the entertainment industry told Newsbiscuit he wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the puppy has already been served in a Korean restaurant by now.
“It’s the story Netflix will have wanted rather than the dog” He said. “The BBC story plucks at the emotions, because everyone in Britain roots for the underdog. I expect they thought they could could do a film about the backstory of the Dambusters dog, whose name escapes me these days; to have it ready in time for Christmas.”
He went on to tell Newsbiscuit “It’s a little-known fact and will remain so until the film comes out and we find out that every celebrity around at the time they made the Dambusters film, used to take xxxx for walks, and that Guy Gibson’s dog was also the runt of a litter, but came good after the producer distracted the dog by offering him a biscuit and went on to test the dog licking his balls joke and chose a labrador over a terrier for the dog part.
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