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It's true. Your next-door neighbour really is an idiot


A report recently published has confirmed something that you've already known for years. Your next door neighbour is a total idiot, and now that it's official you can breathe a sigh of relief.


The report's author Dr David Lawson said, 'We interviewed over two thousand next-door neighbours and findings are conclusive. Your neighbour is a noisy idiot who plays loud music, he cooks smelly foreign food and often parks his car in your parking space.


'His wife is even more irritating with that stupid bloody laugh - and as for his fucking kids? Our research shows that they could definitely do with a good kick up the arse, especially the big, spotty, gangly streak of piss who looks like Peter Crouch.'


But it's not all good news because your neighbour, when asked his opinion on you, points out many of the exact same irritations, and in particular your insufferable air of superiority makes him want to smack you round the head with a good sturdy shovel.


Conflict Resolution Expert and muesli-chomping hippy, Crawford Wynterbourne, explains, 'Hey guys, modern living in a busy fast-paced world is stressful. Why don't you both get together over a beer and talk through your pent-up feelings of anger, resentment and hatred for one another.'


Tension evaporates when you both tell Crawford to 'go and fuck himself'. You then shake hands with your neighbour and invite him and his wife around for drinks next Friday.


Photo by Blake Wheeler on Unsplash

'I’m not lazy, I’m just re-wilding my garden'


Colin Stain is re-wilding his garden. That's what he told the council inspectors who came round to enforce the rules about looking after the house and not annoying the neighbours.


Colin says that he is very eco-conscious these days. He embraced no-mow May with enthusiasm and has since decided to make it a no-mow 2023. He is considering making nettle beer later in the year if he has a good harvest. Instead of taking his old mattress to the tip, he has decided to compost it at home. He says that the results so far are promising and he is pleased to have created a new habitat for the local wildlife.


The neighbours are less thrilled. Jez DeWitt lives next door and says that the Colin's wildlife is mostly just rats and the smell from Colin's newly created pond is a combination of manure and diesel, with a hint of old fish. He says, 'I'd like these Countryfile nerks to come round and find out what re-wilding actually smells like. That'd make 'em have second thoughts. It’s not a pond, it’s blocked drains.'


Colin also says he is re-wilding aluminium. He has three old supermarket trolleys and an impressive, if wobbly, pyramid of beer cans and meat pie trays. Colin is expecting to cash in, as 1000Kg of aluminium for re-wilding should be worth at least a bullseye and possibly a ton, apparently. He’s upped his intake of pies and beer to help him reach his target.


The council staff accepted Colin was making a genuine attempt at re-wilding. The 'wildflower meadow' was deemed acceptable and no worse than the roadside verges which the council don't bother to cut either these days. Composting the mattress was considered 'creative' although there will be an issue down the line with the metal springs. The inspectors took away a number of pungent smelling wild flowers for "further analysis and testing". The pong from the pond, however, was considered a nuisance and Colin has been given six months to sort it out.


The inspectors fined Jez £100 for putting glass recycling in the wrong bin and a further £100 for incorrectly sorting food waste and thereby encouraging rats and another £100 for parking on the pavement. Nobody likes a grass.




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