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Nativity play fails to reach West End




The East Walthamstow mixed primary and junior C of E school has had its Christmas nativity play rejected by every West End theatre, a report in Variety states,  Despite rave reviews on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (Tuesday's reviews were mixed when Joseph threw up on stage and Mary got a right strop on) no West End theatre is prepared to bump their current productions off and host the production written by Carl and Lindsey Edwards, both early years teachers, and Sophie Jones, dinner lady, second grade.


'The cast have shunned their coursework and rehearsed relentlessly since the end of the last half term,' pointed out Carl, 'and when they weren't rehearsing they were designing posters for the production.  We've run through a year's worth of crayons on the assumption that cost saving would be attractive to a West End theatre, but no, they just aren't interested,' he continued.


Sally Evans, 7, understudy for the role of Mary isn't concerned.  'Rhyl Theatre has made a provisional booking,' she said, eating spare bogies off her frock, 'and once we've toured the north of England too the West End won't be able to resist booking us.  You watch, our nativity will be the highest grossing Christmas play next August,' she predicted. 




Grandad's Santa performance at primary school nominated for a BAFTA




Eric Siddings, 66, has been nominated for a BAFTA after producing a career defining performance as Santa at the local primary school.


'My last acting gig was aged ten as a surprisingly smooth-chinned Jesus at the school performance of the Last Supper,' said Siddings at a press conference today.  'I used my own beard,' the grey-chinned retired project manager added.  He explained how he'd stopped trimming his beard for the last two months, smoothing it down with engine oil in an attempt to ensure the children at the school didn't work out his ruse when he collected his grandchildren. 


'On the day of the performance I went full method, bulking myself with a folded one-tog duvet around the midriff and spiking my beard with lard from the fridge to access my inner Michael Sheen,' he said.  Early reviews included three children who had changed their mind about the existence of Santa, two who did believe reconsidering and an unknown number understood to be consulting with their legal teams.  Apparently, Christmas Day presents from Santa will determine whether multiple breaches of contract will be submitted.


'I think it went rather well,' said Siddings, shrugging the red suit off.  'I hope so because I don't want to spend the next fifty years waiting for the phone to ring.'

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