Voter announces he’s “available for hire”

With the certainty of a general election before the end of the year, a voter has formally announced that his vote is available to any party “for the right price”.

Graham Sawdust of 32, The Crescent, Hemel Hempstead, an accounting technician with exciting dreams of one day becoming an accountant, said he’d always been a floating voter, in the sense of not having principles or beliefs of any kind.

'So it’s really a question of which party will offer me the most in return for my vote.'

Asked wha' in particular he was hoping for, he said that Tory plans to scrap inheritance tax certainly sounded promising. “Having said that, I visited my parents a few months ago, and they looked irritatingly healthy. No, best make it a straightforward cut in income tax. Or national insurance.' He then talked for some time about how cutting national insurance would in some ways be better, but it’s far too dull to reproduce here.

'I suppose you could say that, politically speaking, I’m putting on fishnet stockings and standing on a street corner on the old industrial estate,' Sawdust chuckled, before adding, 'Assuming that’s what prostitutes even do, which obviously I don’t know, I’ve certainly never been there. A blue Vauxhall Corsa is a very common car, I think you’ll find.'

Reminiscing

Guaranteed National Insurance hike is more progressive than your nan

A National Insurance increase in April to pay for more Downing Street parties has been described by the government as, 'So progressive, that you could stick a queer alpaca on it and call it a pouch of woke snowflakes.'

Number 10 has assured the public that, 'We are definitely not treating the poorer sections of society like cash dispensers of cash they don't have. With over 14 million people in Britain now living in relative poverty, what they want more than anything else is to stump up more spondoolies to pay for Liz Truss's newfound, lavish, jet-setting lifestyle.'

'There is no magic money tree, because we cut it down and gave it to Dido Harding. Thanks to that stroke of economic long-term plan genius, we now live in a world-beating land where a £37 billion test and trace system protected all of the population and prevented each and every one of us from catching Covid. And the £350 million a week we don't have to pay to the EU any more definitely doesn't need to go into the NHS because it is so strong and working superbly and, if anything, it's over staffed with nurses.'

'£4.5 billion in pandemic handouts gifted to unchecked fraudulent companies is the kind of opulence only the Conservative party can create through its brilliance at economic policy. And untold billions we can't be bothered to calculate has not been taken in corporation tax because the economy is still so strong that we can let the richest in our society off from the annoyance of paying even less tax than you.'

'Rishi Sunak will soon begin explaining his unrivalled understanding of how a reduced state kowtowing to a free market economy already bailed out from failed ruin by the UK taxpayer to the tune of quarter of a trillion pounds would all function even more smoothly in times of austerity so severe that you'll be licking hamster pellets off pet shop floors to stay alive, and will thank us for it.'

Image: Frantisek_Krejci | Pixabay