Labour Party higher ups are refuting accusations of running a nanny state after parliament passed legislation allocating a female nanny to live-in with every single family in the United Kingdom. Each will be portly but not younger than 37. The nannies, claimed Ed Milliband, will merely be there to ‘offer guidance where required on the complexities of living in modern Britain.’ In a personal aside, Milliband said he had fond memories of ‘Nanny Jenkins’ and could, when he paused to recollect, still smell ‘the faint aroma of bicarbonate of soda that always entered the room with her.’
Opponents of the idea suggest that what the government is planning to do is supervise every aspect of Briton’s lives under the threat of prosecution if they break any of the recently elected government’s new laws on such matters as yogurt adverts, coal, smoking, being over 50 in Sunderland, or cellular communication use of the word ‘riot.’ Concerns are mounting, as the response to the new policy has seen a rush of divorces by men who misunderstand their new right to claim a mail-order home help.
Opposition is being further bolstered by immigration skeptics. They claim the 35 million new migrant females required to fill the positions will put a strain on the NHS, as frustrated Brits resistant to being told what to do put them in hospital. ‘It’s a recipe for chaos,’ said sources close to Gordon Ramsay, when shown the recipe. ‘That argument is a false opposition,’ claimed opponents of the Ramsay source. ‘With the new, streamlined right to die act, we should see the population start to balance out somewhere around 2042.’
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