Long, cold, silent, breezy fart on toilet this morning still a mystery

Science still has no explanation for what happened on the toilet earlier. A breezy fart wafted out, but it is an unfathomable mystery as to why it was surprisingly cold. Anything emanating from the body is supposed to be warm, unless recent consumption of curry has taken place, in which case hot could be a descriptor. And also ringystingy.

But cold? Never cold. Surely? There is strong evidence to suggest one is not dead inside. And all other farts in other circumstances have been in the warm to upper warm range historically. Today is reasonably mild, so it can't be that. One thing is for certain, not a soul is to learn of this because, well, that could be highly embarrassing.

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Greatest mystery of Easter revealed to be 'Man's interest in snooker'

The millennia-long fascination with the Christian resurrection story has been eclipsed as the greatest Easter mystery by a Retford man's inexplicable interest in the World Championship Snooker tournament on TV, his exasperated wife has confirmed.

Mike McBride will spend at least 12 hours each day for the next fortnight watching players he has mostly never heard of and has little interest in, hitting balls of different colours around a 12x6 table.

'Explaining how a mortal could feed 5000 people with a couple of loaves and some old bits of pollock, and how someone can emerge from a locked tomb after being dead for 3 days are a piece of piss compared to comprehending Mike's interest for 2 weeks in the 'green baize' said his wife Sarah.

'He never mentions snooker all year, ut suddenly on Easter Saturday, he's telling me how Barry Hawkins is always difficult to beat in matchplay and how the nap of the table at the Crucible Theatre makes it hard to judge stun with the spider....I mean, what the hell does any of that actually mean?'.

'Miracles? Let me tell you, if I hear John Virgo tell me one more time that Ding Junhui has a 'shot to nothing' here, it will be a sodding miracle if I don't go up to Sheffield and shove a cue up his baulk cushion. He'll be needing snookers after that.'

'Oh, did you just see O'Sullivan caress that long blue into the corner pocket playing left-handed?', said Mike excitedly from his settee. 'God really does move in mysterious ways'.

Danish Police arrest 'Mad Prince Hamlet' in double murder mystery

It was the mystery that had everything: love, intrigue, murder, insanity and feuding, all at the highest levels of society. Now, all of Europe is stunned to learn that police in Elsinore have arrested Denmark’s Prince Hamlet on two counts of murder.

Initially, they had regarded the ‘Blonde in the Pond’ drowning of Ophelia, daughter of royal minister Polonius, as a suicide prompted by her father’s death. Hamlet became a suspect once it emerged that Polonius had been stabbed to death at the palace and had been in love with Ophelia himself.

‘I can confirm that we are treating her death as suspicious,’ Superintendent Stefan Jorgensen told the press. ‘British tabloids, please note: Yes, she was young, blonde and beautiful. Yes, her first name was Ophelia. No, her surname was not ‘Boobs’. Do grow up.’

According to rumours on social media, Hamlet had been driven mad by his father’s death, following which his uncle had usurped the throne and married his mother. Hamlet’s increasingly eccentric behaviour had driven the royal couple and Polonius to spy on him and attempt to send him to England. Or something like that.

The prince’s lawyers have dismissed talk of him pleading insanity. ‘Our client is but mad north-north-west. When the wind is from a southerly direction, he knows a hawk from a handsaw,’ said defence counsel Henrik Rasmussen. ‘No, me neither – that’s what he told me to say. Twenty kroner, please.’

‘I’m relieved he’s behind bars,’ said a palace source. ‘If this had gone on any longer, he might have had the two school friends we sent to spy on him murdered, got kidnapped and released, come home and fought a duel with Polonius’s son in which he stabbed his uncle, his mother drank poison by mistake and he ended up dead after being scratched by a poison-tipped sword. Well, it could happen, couldn’t it?’

Hamlet himself has vigorously denied any role in Ophelia’s death. ‘I didn’t even fancy her – I told her to get her to a nunnery once,’ he told reporters shortly before his arrest. ‘Well, all right, I did fancy her a bit, but not as much as I fancy my mum. Oh shit, you won’t print that will you?’

Image: Pixabay/ChrisHump

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