The journey, not the arrival, matters

Jesus listed as a missing person as Easter passes

God has posted a missing persons report to the Metropolitan police after realising that the scheduled Second Coming hasn't happened. 'I knew there was a problem when He didn't phone home - He had agreed to let it ring three times,' God said today. Despite the Second Coming being anticipated year after year after year for approximately two thousand years, acolytes seemingly didn't notice it hadn't occurred yet again.

A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police confirmed it was investigating a missing person, but refused to confirm whether a dusky-skinned young man without recognised ID had been arrested and had been scheduled to be deported to Rwanda. A solicitor acting for the man read a prepared statement, which said, 'Christ, I've been crucified. Again. I don't mind Rwanda so much, but please don't ever make me talk t Braverman one more time'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

Defenestrated Russian sausage tycoon 'died of natural causes'

A Russian sausage tycoon and senior politician in Vladimir Putin's government has 'gone missing' in a fall from a hotel window in India. Local police chief Alexsei Ivanov concluded within moments that there were no suspicious circumstances.

'This sort of thing happens all of the time,' reassured Ivanov, 'particularly at Savaloy Palace Hotels around the world. All causes are clearly natural and there is nothing to investigate. Especially considering that another member of his party misplaced his life a couple of days ago at the same hotel. When it comes to odd things happening to sausage tycoons, we never find any links.'

A dubious eyewitness indicated that the tycoon screamed 'chipolataaaaaaaagh!' all of the way down, before vanishing completely, or walking away unharmed. 'I think he failed to grasp the gravity of his situation,' said the witness, before stepping back into an improbable shadow.

A second dubious eyewitness emerged from the same improbable shadow to report, 'I am just on holiday to visit the 123 metre high Savaloy Palace Hotel with my manfriend who is also not gay.'

The always truthful, dependable and credible Kremlin clarified that the tycoon is alive and well, has disappeared in unmysterious circumstances, and also never existed. 'Several tycoons have died. Five at a push,' said a senior Kremlin spokesman. 'We cannot be expected to take care of every billionaire who has criticised Vladimir Putin The Great's special activities in the Russian State of Ukraine, and then suddenly never existed. And we certainly don't look for windows of opportunity.'

Hat tips to: Jack the Quipper, Myke, Ron Cawleyoni, SteveB