ABBA holograms cleared of suspicion in Tupac murder case

Initially thought to be case of hologram on hologram violence, a man with three dimensions has now been arrested for the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur.

The case is shining a light on other musical crimes.

Shaggy's deceptively simple defence of 'it wasn't me' may need further corroboration given that his honey came in and caught him red handed. She caught him on the counter and saw him banging on the sofa. She even caught him on camera. Donald Trump's lawyers are watching closely.

After pleading guilty to shooting the sheriff, Eric Clapton must fight the charges of shooting the deputy from his jail cell. Again Donald Trump's lawyers are watching closely.

Meanwhile Justin Bieber has been sent to Guantanamo Bay for enhanced interrogation, because you can't sing when you're being waterboarded.

Image: VBlock - Pixabay

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Prince Andrew Lloyd Fibber music to feature at Coronation

The palace has conformed songs from the illustrious career of Andrew Lloyd Fibber will feature at the King's coronation. It is believed the crowning and anointment with oil will be accompanied by the song ‘Don’t Massage me Marge and Tina’, a smash hit for Fibber in 1976. Here is a full list of musicals that will feature, as played by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra in Westminster Abbey.

Andrew and his Amazing Technicolor Alibi (1968)

The hit musical that launched his career, featuring such classic hits as ‘Any Excuse Will Do’.

Jesus Christ Super-injunction (1970)

Not much we can say about that one.

Cats (1981)

In which the lead singer forgets the words to that timeless bittersweet ballad ‘Memory’.

Pizza Express (1984)

A roller-skating spectacular. The audience watch with bated breath, waiting for members of a stellar cast to fall flat on their faces

The Phantom of the Night Club (1986)

Performers stand around, not doing very much and insisting they weren’t sure why they turned up in the first place because nightclubs aren’t really their thing. Features the hit song ‘Nosweat Boulevard’.

School of York (2015)

An ageing rocker is thrown out of his band but lands a job teaching kids. The show closed following complaints.

Sarah Brightman and Paul Chuckle have been booked to sing alongside the King in outlandish sequin costumes. Tickets are available online or from a booth in Leicester Square. Andrew Lloyd Fibber musicals may contain flashing images.

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‘They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Dress Circle tickets to see Phantom'

With the threatened delay of the UK’s ‘Freedom Day’ from Lockdown, many citizens have taken to the streets to demand cheap package holidays, karaoke and universal suffrage – only kidding with that last one, they just want half-price cocktails. Said one agitator: ‘Nobody wants basic human rights, but we do want West End theatre tickets?’

Strangely, as a nation, we now equate freedom with the chance to see ‘Cats’ on stage, ideally discounted, with a restricted view. While Nelson Mandela’s long walk to freedom took 27 years, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s took 30 seconds, from the stroll from his Rolls Royce to the stage door.

As Julian Assange sits in his prison cell, he must consider himself lucky, compared to those oppressed citizens who now have to wear a face mask in Aldi. In the last decade we have happily surrendered civil liberties and freedom of expression, but as the NRA says: ‘I'll only use sanitizer when you put it on my cold, dead hands’.

Said one concerned citizen: ‘It’s delay after delay, we also had a Freedom Day for leaving the EU but that was delayed by several decades. I don’t mind waiting a few years to hug my family, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on front row seats to see ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.’