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'We were amazed to find we share 97 percent of our genes with humans.' says a monkey spokesman. 'We had no idea. Here we were swinging from trees and picking nits out of each others' fur, not realising we're distantly related to the Royal Family.'
Zoology professor Peter Romilly says, 'Turning into humans has its advantages, such as getting to cover your genitals and being issued with a Social Security number. However, these lower primates really need to have more patience and not be so pushy. Normally it takes 2-3 million years to evolve upright posture and the ability to play video games". He also believes monkeys would have to go into hiding from religious fundamentalists if they start "flaunting evolution.'
Not all monkeys want to upgrade. 'I'd miss the carefree simian lifestyle, says one chimpanzee, 'just hanging out in the forest chattering and throwing our faeces at each other. And what about the bonobos - how would they manage to go on fornicating 24/7 if they turn into humans? They can't all be competitors on Love Island.'
Their agent said: 'The was a lot of initial excitement over their first publication, but that soon died down, once everyone realised the Complete Works of Shakespeare had already been done. The following book tour was criticised as being a disorderly mess, like a chimps' tea party - which is a bit harsh on the Mandrills in the group'.
One disillusioned monkey remarked: 'It took a while to get the creative juices flowing but once we discovered Grammarly we really kicked on. It make take an infinite number of years to write Hamlet but by the end of the first ten minutes we'd written everything by EL James and the last season of Game of Thrones.
'I'd go back to hurling faeces, but I hear Dan Brown's already done that'.
image from pixabay
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