MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax

In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.

"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"

Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.

Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.

Image: PublicDomainPictures/Pixabay

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Afghan translators concerned about spam emails

With the release of 250 email addresses of former Afghan translators by the MoD, many are living in fear of being targeted by spammers, phisheres and other nefarious abusers of online abuse. 'I've emailed the Taliban to see if they can't do something about it,' said one one former translator who wished to remain anonymous (number forty-one on the list). 'It was bad enough when the MoD issued us with mobile phones and published the numbers - I don't even know what PPI is, let alone think I've been mis-sold it,' said another un-named translator (number two hundred and two on the list, just below Ahmed Khali, who also asked to for his identity to be kept secret).

The MoD has apologised for 'a slightly inconvenient release of data' but has stressed it has kept most of the information pertinent to the translators secret - such as if and when they will be repatriated and where they can redeem their Nectar points if they don't get to leave Afghanistan.