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Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.
Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."
A US Republican Senator filmed fleeing down a fire escape during last year’s storming of congress has stated that the brown spreading pattern clearly visible on the seat of his pants was ‘an accident with a faulty starbucks cup’, it was reported today.
‘I was in my office, relaxing against the desk and wondering what all the noise was when I felt a warm spreading sensation in the rear’ said the senator. ‘It was the intern’s latte, Those cups are meant to withstand a pressure of at least 150lb’. The senator declared that he only ran down the fire escape to try and dry himself off, and that he was considering suing the coffee company for reputational damages and dry cleaning bills.
‘Yes, I know you have footage of me declaring I’d never been so scared in my life, but then I’ve led a very sheltered life’, declared the senator. ‘Sitting on that coffee cup was literally the most scary thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. A baying mob calling for the overthrown of the state and waving guns around is nothing compared to a normal Trump rally’.
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