Marriage saved by turning mobile brightness to max

Glen (37) and Diya (38) attribute their continued love to suddenly seeing their browsers in vivid detail and not having to squint so much. Diya claimed: 'It was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. Everything seemed positive, achievable, even Brexit.'

'I know you're told not to do it, but I just thought, what the hell? Marriage counselling had failed, so why not turn things up to max, make things brighter. And you know what? I begin to see Glen in a whole new light - at least 5% brighter.'

Mobile phones have explicit warnings that increasing luminosity will result in instant death and the collapse of civilisation or, at the very least, a significant drain on your battery. Diya gushed: 'In life we just need to give 100%...oh, um...my phone just went dead.'

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Perfectionist's nightmares about in app game adverts being played appallingly

Janet Wright, a 19.44-year-old perfectionist from Worthing, has been waking up late at night with the sweats. She explained, 'Smartphone applications I use keep forcing adverts on me which are irritating enough in themselves, and they are for silly little games I have no intention of playing. What really grinds my gears though, is that sequences of the games feature them being played terribly by a complete incompetent. To present decision making as horrific as that, I can only imagine they engage the services of Conservative politicians.

'There's this particular one which features a fish gobbling up other fish with clear values attached to them. The imbecile playing keeps choosing the fish with the lower value, like they are Chancellor of the Exchequer. Oh, oh, and this other game where you have to fit shapes into other larger shapes... who did they get to play that one for the advert sequence? The Prime Minister?'

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