Man depressed to realise that upgrading his phone highlight of at least a year

Wayne Bradley, 51, of Milton Keynes was initially delighted with his new iPhone 15 Pro Max as he had been putting off his upgrade for a couple of years. However, on getting his new phone home and beginning to use the new features he realised he hadn't felt anything like this joy for at least a year.

He thought back across recent highlights which included finding 50p in an old coat pocket; getting an all chocolate finger on his weekly KitKat treat; and getting home to find his family out for a couple of hours.

He told us, "I wouldn't say I'm unhappy but the feelings I got when I opened up that white box and felt that new phone in my hand far outweighed when we received my son's excellent GCSE results or my daughter starting University. I'll only use it check my emails, which are all ads, and scrolling through twitter. I haven't called anyone for about 3 months."

Mr Bradley trailed off from our conversation and checked his emails.

"Wow," he absentmindedly exclaimed, "2 for 1 compost bags at Homebase. That IS a good deal."

Image: Pixabay/niekverlaan

Protests as God introduces 5G only prayer service

Religious groups around the world have been hit as God has announced that from September, prayers would only be answered via 5G.

Even the Vatican has echoed the complaints; "5G service is quite patchy around here", said a disgruntled Pope, "I was close to negotiating world peace, an end to hunger and Donald Trump being sent prison when I realised there was no signal and only one request got received. So, fingers crossed.

Image: Pixabay/fotoblend

Boris Johnson’s phone ‘might be a dirty bomb’, say experts

Technical experts have revealed that Boris Johnson’s old phone might be a nuclear weapon, or possibly a device which squirts Ebola virus into the air when you switch it on.

‘Anything could happen’, said one expert. ‘Maybe it was made with alien technology. I mean, it looks like an iPhone but you can’t be too careful’.

A recent planning application shows an ‘underground extension’ to Downing Street which would include a ‘nuclear blast containment centre’. If planning permission is granted – the Council have been told there’s ‘no great rush’ – it could take up to twenty years to build a suitable containment facility.

‘Look, I’m as keen as everybody else to comply with the court and release those WhatsApp messages’ said Rishi Sunak. ‘But they only exist on the one phone because, erm, that’s how messaging works. So we’ll just have to wait for everything to be made safe and hope nobody accidentally flushes it down the . . . . oops, butterfingers!’

Image: VIJENDRAKUSHWAH - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com