Users go wild for new We Want Your Information App

The app released on Google Play yesterday promises to steal every piece of information harvested on your android phone, including a full history of suicide and porn searches. We Want Your Information was developed in China late last year in response to a rival app called We know who you are and what you think. But users complained that this app was cumbersome, requiring more than one key stroke and taking longer than six seconds to steal all of your closest secrets.

We Know Who You Are And What You Think also failed to alert users when a fresh piece of information was stolen. 'It was glitchy,' said one. 'But We Want Your Information is slick. I really feel denuded and naked after downloading it, like the company has a portal to my bank account and greatest fears.' The app, released with the full collusive blessing of governments around the world, not only steals information. It also has a lurk function which users can switch on to be heard in toilets and family arguments.

With rumours of an update arriving soon, users are expressing the hope that We Want Your Information will have a camera option, allowing it to film and upload instantly to any social media site it desires footage of users' most shameful public and home interactions. 'I love that We Want Your Information doesn't ask for permissions. It just accesses whatever the hell it wants.'

But there are opponents of the new app, a minority of naysayers who think that there is an issue surrounding the ethics of choice. They are questioning why We Want Your Information is an optional download at all. 'In 2025 so-called 'individuality' is a relic of the last century, which, as we all know, was a terrible one. We Want Your Information should be mandatory and social points accumulated or docked according to user compliance.' An Apple version with slicker theft aesthetics is expected to follow.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

‘I didn’t shit myself, I sat in coffee’ claims Republican

A US Republican Senator filmed fleeing down a fire escape during last year’s storming of congress has stated that the brown spreading pattern clearly visible on the seat of his pants was ‘an accident with a faulty starbucks cup’, it was reported today.

‘I was in my office, relaxing against the desk and wondering what all the noise was when I felt a warm spreading sensation in the rear’ said the senator. ‘It was the intern’s latte, Those cups are meant to withstand a pressure of at least 150lb’. The senator declared that he only ran down the fire escape to try and dry himself off, and that he was considering suing the coffee company for reputational damages and dry cleaning bills.

‘Yes, I know you have footage of me declaring I’d never been so scared in my life, but then I’ve led a very sheltered life’, declared the senator. ‘Sitting on that coffee cup was literally the most scary thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. A baying mob calling for the overthrown of the state and waving guns around is nothing compared to a normal Trump rally’.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/cytis-1661754/

First published 8 Jan 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Northern men welcome mobile phone with just 3 emojis

Samsung has developed the Samsung Northern, a mobile phone aimed primarily at Northern men.

‘Our other phones typically have 200 emojis’, a spokesman said, ‘to represent the full range of human emotions. Market research in Warrington indicated that 3 would be plenty. It seems that people are intimidated by anything with a broader emotional range than themselves, so we’ve gone with 'Happy, Sad, Don’t Know.'

The Samsung Northern also has a Pienav, which plots the most direct route to the nearest Gregg’s in an emergency. Northerners had mixed emotions about the phone (emoji 3), telling researchers that while it stereotyped Northerners and contributed to an unhealthy and lazy comedy trope used by second-rate satirists, bloody hell there’s a Gregg’s just round the corner.

Image credit: Wix AI and deskpilot