Suella Braverman challenges Carol Vorderman to cage fight

Suella Braverman took her strongwoman, right wing posturing to another level today as she called out left-wing firebrand Carol Vorderman and challenged her to a televised cage fight.

'I'm sick and tired of you lefties and woke, cancel culture Remainers moaning about Britain and our traditional values whilst drinking your vegan macchiatos', she reportedly told crowds at a policy exchange today, 'All they do is do this country down. They want to flood our borders with transsexual immigrants all going to the NHS to get plastic surgery. Then want to give them all ten million pound council houses built in the grounds of Buckingham Palace and Balmoral! Well I'm sick of it! Today, I think we should settle it once and for all in a trial of combat. I am challenging Carol Vorderman to a caged MMA duel, televised, with all proceeds to go the The British Legion Poppy Appeal (plastic ones only). Time to put up with your dukes or shut yer trap!'

Ms Vorderman has yet to respond but is likely to take up the challenge now she has been freed from her BBC fair balance guidelines. One source said Vorderman thought Braverman was 'an absolute consonant vowel consonant consonant' and would knock her spark out with 'two from the top'.

The shocked journalists were juxtaposed by the visibly excited, elder, male conference attendees who seemed to be very much for the idea, enquiring where they could buy front row tickets immediately. One added 'Will there be mud? What about jelly?'

Image: Daniel Lloyd Blunk-Fernández (@blunkorama) | Unsplash Photo Community

Match of the Day to include cage fighting

Negotiations between Gary Lineker and the BBC following criticism over Lineker's entirely accurate tweets appear to have been settled after Lineker agreed to having a cage boxing match between himself and members of the Tory party included as part of Match of the Day.

Lineker had asked whether this would include Tory party donors who could do with having the crap beaten out of them, but was told the BBC needs to maintain its impartiality. The donors would be allowed to beat the crap out of Lineker, also because of impartiality The BBC said Laura Kuenssberg will referee the bouts, in order to ensure the bouts were fair, after Lineker had suggested Emily Maitlis or Andrew Marr would do a good job. Apparently for contractual reasons this wasn't possible.

Michael Gove failed a mandatory drug test to compete. Other leading Tories involved (all with self-chosen nicknames) are James "Clever Nickname" Cleverly, Boris "British Bulldog" Johnson, Suella "Sledgehammer of Injustice" Braverman and Jeremy Hunt-you-down-and-kill-you.

Lineker told Newsbiscuit he had hoped the cage fighting series could begin with a Lineker-v-Sunak bout, but Sunak said Lineker needs to pick on someone his own size, so the first bout will be between Lineker and 30p Lee "Knuckledragger" Anderson. In an interview published by the Times, Telegraph, Mail and Express, Anderson said that you would never get his side of the story in the main stream media.

Image: Derrick Treadwell (@sunearthmoonstudio) | Unsplash Photo Community

www.newsbiscuit.com

Joe Rogan to fight Covid MMA style

Mr. Rogan, has agreed to do battle with the coronavirus in a caged ICU, with nothing but bare knuckles and a fist full of paracetamol. Initially the podcaster was reluctant to fight, as he felt that MMA sounded a bit too much like the MMR jab.

The bout, of sickness, will be held over three rounds, with points for a KO or a DOA. Both fighters will be allowed to use any part of their bodies, although Covid is likely to focus on the lungs.

Explained a virologist: ‘Joe’s theory that fit and healthy people are statistically less likely to die from Covid is technically true but by the same measure, so is jumping out of a plane without a parachute’.

Rogan is said to be confident of beating the virus, although he had lost his previous 10 fights to baldness.

photo: Claudio_Scott @ Pixabay