Jesus listed as a missing person as Easter passes

God has posted a missing persons report to the Metropolitan police after realising that the scheduled Second Coming hasn't happened. 'I knew there was a problem when He didn't phone home - He had agreed to let it ring three times,' God said today. Despite the Second Coming being anticipated year after year after year for approximately two thousand years, acolytes seemingly didn't notice it hadn't occurred yet again.

A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police confirmed it was investigating a missing person, but refused to confirm whether a dusky-skinned young man without recognised ID had been arrested and had been scheduled to be deported to Rwanda. A solicitor acting for the man read a prepared statement, which said, 'Christ, I've been crucified. Again. I don't mind Rwanda so much, but please don't ever make me talk t Braverman one more time'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

Sunak uses needle and button to fight off mouse

The City has reacted badly to reports that Rishi Sunak was attacked by a Field mouse

and is hiding inside a doll’s house in the attic of No 10. Police say the Prime Minister went into combat with the beast armed only with a sewing needle and a shirt button. The titanic struggle took place in a deep pile carpet beneath a chair in the Cabinet room. MI5 believe the mouse entered No 10 through a drainpipe.

News of the clash comes as the OBR predicts Mr Sunak will shrink by 1.4% in 2023. The PM contracted sharply in December, leaving him vulnerable to inquisitive cats, hungry birds, and civil servants who don’t watch where they’re putting their feet.

Police have urged tiny people not to take matters into their own hands. If you are attacked by a mouse, you should find your nearest teapot and dial 999.

Bill and Ben reboot in jeopardy as one half of iconic duo goes missing

Kiddies TV favourite, Ben, one half of iconic showbiz duo, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, has stunned BBC top brass by going missing just days before the much-heralded reboot of their classic show.

A programme insider said: 'We're all gutted as a lot of cash has been ploughed into the new series, but now Ben's gone and jeopardised it all. He was booked with Bill to appear on the sofa tomorrow morning with Charlie Stayt and Naga Munchetty, too. How could he be so selfish!'

It's understood the troubled star had recently been described as 'being a bit down in the dumps' at rehearsals. Speaking to reporters this evening and visibly shaken longtime pal Bill choked: 'Uddap buddap slobbadap. Buddap buddap pobbledap' before breaking down inconsolably.

Little Weed, longtime 'GF' to both stars, something that in itself has been the cause of many rumours that all three are living in an open relationship, has so far remained tight-lipped.

But in a long showbiz career, this isn't the first time that the the terracotta twosome has been mired in controversy; once famously having been arrested at Heathrow for being in possession of four bags of John Innes potting compost when getting off a flight from Ibiza.

Police have requested members of the public seeing Ben should not approach him but contact CBBC instead.