Government add profanity to core curriculum

Gillian Keegan has announced the traditional three Rs will be modified for the next educational year to become the three Rs, A, F and C word.

Ms Keegan explained, "f***ing, kids f***ing, need to f***ing be taught how to f***ing swear. F***ing, teachers need to f***ing, get off their f***ing, a***s and f***ing, teach. F***ing w***ers f*** w*** **** **** f***ing schools. ****s. **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****", she added.

Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, speaking after the statement said, 'In my view, this is an unfortunate change to the curriculum and I am rather desirous that Church of England schools be excluded from some of the requirement. F***ing government.'

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Grant Shapps is Defence Secretary - don't have nightmares!

On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.

One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'

Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'

Photo by Kevin Schmid on Unsplash

Sunak: 'I'm backing Shapps'

In a surprise move and following a longevity record-smashing two days in his last ministerial posting, Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has now redeployed Grant Shapps to take up the reins as Secretary of State for the newly created Department of Defence and Utter Desperation.

Speaking to reporters Mr Sunak said: 'Okay, I'll admit it. This is quite the most incompetent administration the UK has ever seen, but in a last-ditch attempt to have us reelected, I am appointing Grant as our saviour. If nothing else it will take the heat off our latest fuck up on the schools riddled with cheap concrete that we've ignored for the last six years.

'Although, after we've foisted "feckless fool" Johnson, "I've got a screw loose" Truss, and little old "moneybags" me on an unsuspecting public, I fully realise the game's up and we're probably bollixed. But if I can somehow get the right wing press and media to back us next year then who knows? Perhaps a few knighthoods or something to sympathetic nobodies could just swing it. Voters are morons after all.

'Therefore, I'm putting Grant up front and centre to head up the new department. Of course he's utterly hopeless and clueless like the rest of us, yet there is this weird perception he has a shred of ability and nearly an eighth of an ounce of integrity. Extraordinary, isn't it? But what they heck. I mean you never know. Miracles sometimes can happen'

When asked for a comment Mr Shapps said: 'I love Ritchie. He's great and I'll back him to the ends of the earth. Even, say, if he went on murderous rampage with a meat cleaver. I'm not sure what he stands for or what his plans for the country are, but while he keeps handing me all these high profile ministries despite me having no experience or aptitude whatsoever, then I'd be a fool not to. Wouldn't I?'

Photo by Deniz Fuchidzhiev on Unsplash

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