Michael Tomlinson has taken to Twitter to express his anger at being left off of "Portillo moment" lists.
'I am a minister of state and as such losing my seat should be a big moment of the election. I've been privately coaching the Labour candidate to mouth 'oh gosh!' when it happens.'
When Mr Tomlinson was reminded that he was the Minister of State for Countering Illegal Migration he responded, 'Oh bugger, that's me is it?'
Larry the cat has resigned from his £118K job as Government Chief Mouser saying that his mortgage was now costing him £2,000 per month, leaving him just £4,100 per month to live on after tax.
'It’s utterly ridiculous to expect a cat, even a skinny one to be able to live on that sort of money; and I don’t have kittens to send to a public school, so goodness knows how cats with kittens to support are expected to manage,' he said.
A spokescatlover for a feline charity told Newsbiscuit that the special appeal for Larry has already raised £5m and since this is similar to the salaries ex-government ministers are able to supplement their MP’s salaries with by taking second jobs working for sanctioned Russian oligarchs, she’s optimistic he will now be able to live with the dignity to which he has become accustomed.
Larry refused to comment on what he’d been spending the remaining £4,100 of his monthly income on, but a friend assured us it isn’t drugs or brothels.
NewsBiscuit has gained access to a draft press release, showing the proposed new multi-word ratings categories for Ofsted inspections.
In the draft, spokesman for Ofsted, Biff Flashman, is quoted as saying, 'we have listened to feedback from ministers and schools and agree that the one-word categories could be regarded as insensitive and lacking clarity.
'These updated ratings will help us improve communication with our stakeholders, while retaining a robust inspection service and preventing Post Office Inspectors from teasing us and calling us “Sofsted.'
The new multi-word ratings are as follows:
• Inadequate, you f***ing muppets, clear your desks NOW!
• Requires improvement, so put down your Guardian and start polishing that CV, tw*t.
• Good but don’t think we won’t get you next time, woke w**kers
• Outstanding. We’ll have to “try harder” for the next one, and we’re not going to tell you when it is.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
