Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift

Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.

A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.

‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’

Had Haigh been on the whisky?

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Vape company mascot “Mr Cuddles” denies claims of targeting children

With flavours like bubblegum, candyfloss and Baby Formula, the vape industry is being accused of aiming its products at impressionable underage adults. The bright blue furry spokesperson said, between panicked, clouded inhalations, that it was just a witch hunt, funded by the Big Ashtray Lobby.

They waved away the new promotional targeted advertisements with subjects such as “What is Barbies favourite vape flavour” and “Why Batman prefers the mysterious vapour cloud of a Vape Pen to Nicorette patches.”

Leaked documents from another leading vape producer have provided damning evidence such as:

• A proposal to MacDonalds for McNugget flavoured vapes available in Happy Meals

• Schematic drawings of an oversized vape pen PEZ dispenser

• An e-mail to Duplo about producing a “My First Vape” set

The government Health Minister said that children must not be subject to the peer pressure of trying vapes and if they want to look cool, nothing beats the smooth draw of a Marlboro Red.

Photo by Nery Zarate on Unsplash