Due diligence?

Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift

Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.

A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.

‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’

Had Haigh been on the whisky?

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