FT reporting Hezbollah shares in sharp decline

The Financial Times has reported that shares in the Middle East arms to rockets conglomerate, Hezbollah Group, have dipped sharply in the past two weeks.

Company communication difficulties hurt it significantly, but the sudden loss of their C.E.O, Hassan Nasrallah, has meant confidence in the organisation is now at an all time low and it is in severe danger of collapse.

A company executive told us, 'Nasrallah’s departure was totally out of the blue. One minute I’m bringing a tray bake in for our usual Falafel Friday lunch and the next minute he’s left the building. It can’t have been easy for him as apparently he was in bits.'

The elimination process of potential successors continues.

Image: Jamie Street (@jamie452) | Unsplash Photo Community

Sausages are actually Keir Starmer’s plan for Middle East peace

A recent speech has suggested that Keir Starmer has got sausages on the brain, but only because he intends to use the humble banger to bring peace to the Middle East.

Surprisingly, Liz Truss announced support for Starmer’s plan, noting that she had opened several pork markets.

Labour intern Jodie Johnstone said 'The plan is to have talks with the Israelis and Palestinians and when it’s lunchtime, Keir will tuck into a big plate of sausages, while they both look at him dumbfounded. "Check out that guy eating pork" one will say. "Not cool" the other will reply. They’ll see they have so much in common that the Nobel Peace Prize is basically guaranteed.'

'Bangers and mash is the real two state solution.'

Ed Miliband reportedly looked at a bacon sandwich, but decided not to risk it.

image from pixabay

Hezbollah communications reduced to a gossip over the neighbour's fence

Having been seriously embarrassed, not to mention depleted in manpower, by their choices of communication devices, Hezbollah have had to seek out alternative methods of passing information between its members that does not involve technology of any sort.

A senior official disclosed they did explore the use of smoke signals. 'Cultural appropriation? Certainly, but these are desperate times.' However, the idea was shelved following the misinterpretation of smoke plumes from further random explosions as ranting and verbal abuse.

Semaphore was briefly considered but quickly rejected as participants were often flagging too soon.

Finally, the militant organisation found inspiration to solve the problem from an unlikely source. The official told us that classic British TV inspired the idea. 'We love your Les Dawson Show. Cissie and Ada. And suddenly we have a solution. A seemingly innocuous, but comical, chat over the garden fence and information is passed up and down the line of command. What’s your response to that, Mossad?'

Asked about Hezbollah’s new communications network, an Israeli spokesperson, arms folded and speaking in hushed tones, said, 'Well, I heard from her at number 37, you know, the one whose husband had the shish kebabs, that they were opening up a new front. I mean, she’s got some room to talk.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)