Motorcycle tourists amend their description of Iran

A couple of round-the-world tourists published a glowing account of their experience of Iran, stating that they were 'having an amazing time'.  However, they have now advised readers that there were 'one or two tiny typographical errors in our previous report.'

'Where we spoke of the 'lovely people' and of a 'lovely country', what we actually meant to say was 'The country is a dangerous, corrupt sh!t-hole and the w@nkers who live there are a load of complete c*nts.'  We regret any confusion which may have been caused by our earlier lack of clarity.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Californians to be evacuated to neighbouring states

Following the brilliant insight that accompanied President Trump’s 5am bowel movement on Sunday, that Middle East tensions could be solved simply by moving Gazans to neighbouring countries, he has now decided that the California wildfires can be tackled the same way.

'It’s a really dumb place to build a city, I would never have built there,” ran the President’s tweet. “No wonder it catches fire all the time, especially with lesbians running the fire department - and not the good looking ones you see in pornos. Sad.'

Under the plan, Californians will simply be moved to Oregon, Nevada and Arizona, though characteristically the governments of those states were neither consulted nor even informed of the plan until they saw it on the news.

However, Trump’s political opponents have questioned whether his aim isn’t really to clear out Hollywood, which he sees as a hotbed of liberalism and home of his natural critics. Fears were prompted by a leaked memo in which Trump, Elon Musk and Steve Bannon discuss what kind of natural disaster could be used as a pretext to demolish the studios of Saturday Night Live.

Make it all about TikTok, all the time, say news bosses

'There's a war in Ukraine, a ceasefire in the Middle East which could go either way, and the UK economy - which had been anaemic - is now flat-lining,' said a typewriter-thrower from the Society of Editors, 'but we are telling our journalists to make it all about TikTok, all the sodding time.

'There are parents, me included, who'd dearly like to give TikTok a fatal punch up the bracket for warping our kids' minds,' continued the typewriter chucker. 'But we are doing these minute-by-minute updates wondering what Trump thinks about TikTok, how the guy who runs it is attending his inauguration dinner, and whether this moronic thing in cyberspace with dance moves and episodes of Skibidi Toilet might survive in the US after all.

'We realise that this news story will both mystify and irritate anyone over the age of 55 and make them rather look forward to their deaths.

'But so does all the rest of news we're putting out. There's really no hope for throwbacks like that.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive