Middle class liberals turn out for pro-Philistine march

The cream of Britain’s middle-class liberal intelligentsia put aside their Guardian crosswords today and turned out in force for a march through Hampstead in solidarity with their 'Philistine brothers and sisters'.

'We all pity them,' said Felicity Porsche, who studied at Girton College, Cambridge, married an investment banker, and now spends her days making jam.

'I mean, it’s not their fault they use the wrong fork for hors d’oeuvres and have never read Sylvia Plath.

'And obviously, these Philistines are a bunch of ignorant, knuckle-dragging oiks with no manners, who you’d never invite round for mimosas. We say that all the time.

"But how would you like to be constantly abused by a bunch of affluent, privileged, white oppressors who have grabbed all the best bits of your country to live in? Tarquin and I utterly condemn it, and so does everyone else in our exclusive postcode.

'We realise the plight of the Philistines does not affect us directly, because we never meet any of them in Selfridges. But we are marching in unison with middle-class intellectuals everywhere because it's a fashionable new cause to adopt and we are determined to show one another how much we care.

'I mean, what does it matter if these poor, misinformed Philistines adore Boris and voted for Brexit…

'Hang on! Those rotten little sods voted for Brexit? Down with the Philistines! Down with the Philistines!'

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Cost of living crisis sparks dramatic rise in middle-class passive aggression

Increasing reports are coming in from prominent middle class areas that the rise in the cost of living has caused a huge rise in incidents of passive aggressive behaviour. We sent a team of reporters into a Surrey suburb to find out what's happening. They spoke to a number of victims that we will not name as they asked for anonymity (private school exams coming up, they didn't want to be seen as troublemakers).

"We all have to tighten our belts these days," said Pamela, 42), "I've switched from premium brands to the Waitrose select range. People have been literally giving me sympathetic false smiles when they look in my trolley. I've had 3 drive-by tuttings this month alone." She went on to explain how she hurries away from drop-off at her son's prep school as she doesn't want to tell them which private school he's going to, "It's one of the cheaper ones. I mean their school trip is only to Costa Rica to work in a Monkey hospital for god's sake". It was heart breaking seeing her breakdown.

Another frazzled Mum told me of the reductions in the Fortnum's Pate range and the complete breakdown in artisan charcouterie supply. She had to ask her daughter to eat her packed in the school toilets as they only had store bought sliced prosciutto on sourdough in the house. They no longer even try to find Madelines or Pain au Chocolat, it's hopeless. She told me that even a Costa Coffee had opened on the high street.

"It'll be a Sainsbury's Express or something next", she told me, "we'll have to move Hampshire or something."

image from pixabay

British middle-classes realising food shortages are no longer a 'working class' thing

"Honestly, I just could not believe it," admitted a tweed-clad lady, about to step back in to her Porsche Macan in the car-park. "I invited Geoff, Mary, Susi and Tom for a spot of supper in the new kitchen/diner, and here I am, without even the basics to keep the wolf from the door. I've never seen Waitrose so bereft of provender.

"That green veg aisle is just an embarrassment these days. There was no wakame to be found anywhere. I even asked a young man who worked there and he'd never even heard of it! I improvised very quickly and moved on round the store, but everywhere I looked they had "temporarily unavailable" signs. What on Earth does that mean? There was no pul biber, they were down to the last jar of a very suspect looking za’atar, and the khachapuri had certainly seen better days. It's quite outrageous.

"I don't recall Mr BoJo ever warning us about this. I mean, normally Robert, my husband - dear, lovely, Bobby - gets a little phone-call from someone to warn him about things about to go up in price, or go down in price, or whatever, I can't quite remember. But I do know that Bobby is usually tremendously excited when he gets these little snippets of good fortune. He tells me things have never been better. But, believe me, I will have a word with Bobby when I get home. Why can't he get phone-calls to tell him about when the luganega di Monza are in stock?

"I mean, really, what does he expect Matija to cook with when I'm feeding his friends? The poor woman. I do feel sorry claiming that housing allowance for her and her family. I'm not sure this is quite the 'salaried career opportunity' she thought she'd been promised when they arrived. Anyway, thank God Waiters still had some Krug. Even if there's no food we can still have a jolly nice supper."

Image: Pixabay/Daria-Yakovleva