Mars Rover now better supported than NHS computer systems

Following reports that NASA have 'got around to updating' its Mars Rover operating system, only 18 years since the last update, tech experts in the NHS have considered following suit. 'We knew our Windows 98 software was in need of an update and felt the systems were in danger of being hacked by Nigerian fraudsters,' said a NASA spokesman today, 'so we uploaded the 2004 April patch. It took hours, not because Mars is so far away, but because, well, it's Windows.'

IT experts working for the NHS have concluded that such an update is possible. 'If we update the central server to a Pentium and fit a CD drive we might be able to load Windows 95,' said one expert, musing if the updated spec would be compatible with the industry standard Spectrum computers. 'We might even consider fitting monitors as well, given the ticker-tape machines are wearing out a bit,' he added.

Microsoft adds "Letter of No Confidence in the PM" to Word templates

Conservative MPs who've updated their copies of Microsoft Office have found a new time saving template built-in to the new version.

One Tory MP explained; "I fired up a blank document in Word this morning to write a letter to a constituency, I got as far as typing 'Dear...' when it popped up a window saying 'It looks like you're writing a letter of no confidence to Boris Johnson. Would you like help?' There was my old friend Clippy, but bent in the shape of a hangman's noose.

"I thought 'Why not?' and select the 'Yes' option and the document wrote itself with a comprehensive list of misdeeds that any other prime-minister would not only resign for, but for most people have to change his name and leave the country. When I printed it off, I had to load an extra pack of paper - it's going to cost a fortune to post."

A spokesman for Microsoft explained that "They try and keep Word up to date with future requirements."

When contacted for comment, Downing Street said they were "Too busy for this; they had a leaving do to organise and someone had told the brewery the wrong date."

Image: Pixabay/umeridrisi

Turd emoji quivers as Clippy returns

Microsoft has decided to replace the ubiquitous and functional paperclip emoji with a 3D representation of the hyperactive clippy, last seen patronising word processor users with the observation 'you look like you're typing something', to which most writers typed 'no f@cking sh!t, Sherlock'.

Other emojis are surprised, with one raising a single eyebrow, and another frowned; however the the emoji most concerned is the turd emoji. 'If you think I'm shit - wait until Clippy returns,' it said today.