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Tech giant Microsoft has released a version of Word, it’s best-selling word processing software for goodfellas looking to do fancy writing.
Representatives of organisations with Sicilian heritage in the New York area met with Microsoft executives to ask a special favour, and make a nice software package that writes in wiseguy, just for them.
Programmer Darius Melville explained: “At first we suggested they just use Google Translate software. Then they suggested they might translate caps from a 9mm into our asses. We got to work straightaway.
“So now ‘Woid’ is ready for launch. It’s a fully-featured version of Word where any form of input is output in wiseguy. The software employs an intuitive detector to determine which key in a group was meant to be pressed if the user has unusually large fingers sporting heavy gold rings, or typing with a piece in his hand.
“Text is converted in real-time to wiseguy using one of two modes of intonation: ‘With respect’ or ‘Dead to me’. Sentences are grammar corrected to include double negatives, and the space key function is replaced by six different ‘Silence’ keys: ‘Intense’, Knowing’, ‘Shrug’, ‘Shtum’, ‘Omertà’ and ‘Sleeps with fishes’.
Praise for initial beta-testing was universal: “It’s freakin’ A” said Tommy Two Teeth. “Any stoopid, cockamamie, ugly, twisted, winky-faced, mother-f**kin’ semi-colon that shows up out of context at my cursor can now go kiss my sweet ass!”, expressed Angle-Grinder Paulie.
Melville concluded: “And of course it’s free, as a special favour. But strangely, there were four frozen beef carcasses and a case of whisky found on Microsoft’s doorstep this morning, and Apple’s share price seems to be plummeting.”
Image: valerioerrani - Pixabay
Software magnate Bill Gates has told of his ‘utter exhaustion’ after tracking billions of people who have received a Covid vaccine.
'Initially I thought it would be fun”, he told NewsBiscuit. “Knowledge is power, so knowing that Marjorie Perks goes to Asda every Thursday would be useful. Or something.”
Gates hadn’t fully appreciated the effects of the Earth’s rotation, meaning that half of the people he was tracking would be active during his night time. To make it worse, he is using Microsoft software to track people, meaning that he needs to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL every few hours and occasionally reinstall his operating system.
'I have fresh respect for Santa”¸ he said. “There are just too many people on this damn planet."
Anti-vaxxers say they have no sympathy for Gates. “That’s why I wouldn’t let them poison me,” said Chad, a registered moron from Utah. 'I’m glad it’s keeping him awake. Sheeple need to wake up. Now pass me that bleach would you, it’s time for my daily injection.”
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