Met Police trials new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”

The beleaguered PR department of London’s Metropolitan Police is understood to be trialling a new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”.

The move follows the Angiolini Inquiry into the murder of Sarah Everard by serving police officer Wayne Couzens. This found that Couzens had committed many sexual offences beforehand, none of which resulted in his arrest or even being fired, and also that he had shared appalling WhatsApp messages with other officers in which they joked about sexual assault. Moreover, since her murder it has come to light that another officer in the same unit, David Carrick, was also a serial rapist.

A spokesman said he wished to make it clear that such officers were a tiny minority within the Met, and that most officers were quite content with sharing photos of murdered women and rating their attractiveness out of 10.

When a female Met officer complained that this was also unacceptable behaviour, the spokesman rolled his eyes, said she’d “probably got the painters in” and he “didn’t fancy her anyway”.

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Met to flush out bad cop, badder cops

The Metropolitan police have conceded that their barrel of apples 'might be a bit rotten', based on the conviction rate of a significant number of serving officers. 'We think it's the old "good cop, bad cop" syndrome, introduced in the last twenty years,' admitted a senior policeman. 'Unfortunately we were forced to cut a lot of posts by the government and a disproportionate number of good cops left, leaving more bad cops than we anticipated,' he added.

To remedy the imbalance a number of officers from the Serious Crime unit have been seconded to identify the bad cops, but to date all they've done is complain that the people they've interviewed have insisted on turning their chairs around the wrong way, have blown smoke in their faces and have eaten all the sandwiches while the interviewer missed his lunch. 'It's not really that serious, the wrong way round, blowing smoke, eating all the sarnies bit,' complained one Serious Crimes officer, ' apart from the smoking in a police station bit, obvs, which is a problem because we're only trained for serious crimes. Now they're starting to swing the light bulb and calling us slags,' he added, welling up in tears.

A spokesman for the bad cops threatened to 'shove a truncheon up' our arse if we said anything negative about these predominantly fine, upstanding and essentially misunderstood dedicated policemen, even the rapists, conmen and potential Conservative MPs.

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Police Chief vows to clear out the rotten apples. Again.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner George Dixon (no relation) has acknowledged the public outrage over the number of rotten apples in the Force. He told a packed press conference:-

“I can understand the public’s anger and distress over the ongoing rotten apple situation and my first task as the new boss is to fix this.

I have already set up a crack taskforce made up of totally-PC officers. Well actually not all will be PCs. There will be a few sergeants and we also located an Inspector on light duties with repetitive wrist strain following a prolonged bout of expense form filling – that’s what he told us anyway.

I am pleased to announce that we are already making progress. A preliminary report has already identified the likely number of rotten apples in the barrel. Unfortunately we have also found some bunches of manky bananas, a couple of mouldy oranges and quite a few satsumas that appear to be left over from Christmas.

After some fantastic forensic work we believe we have narrowed down the identification of the culprit. On the side of the barrel are printed the cryptic symbols ‘Best before 31/12/2017’. Once PCs Columbo, Magnum and Rockford have decoded this we are confident we will have cracked the case. WPC Jessica Fletcher insists she knows the answer already but how could she – she’s just a girlie.

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