The USA has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act

The USA has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act after a six-week stand off which saw 80 countries impacted and their security put at risk.

The UN has warned several countries to strength their defences over the past few days because they believed the USA was "planning military action against friendly countries."

The incident came to an end on Wednesday night following a stand off with police, when officers arrested the nation on suspicion of cultivation of fake news, conspiracy theories and offences under the explosives act.

Police said today that the 249-year-old nation has been sectioned under section 2 of the Mental Health Act 1983.

It has been bailed to return to Acton Police Station at a date in mid-September, while a mental health assessment is completed.

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Fight Blue Monday with sharp scissors

Are you ready for Blue Monday?

Blue Monday is 'the most depressing day of the year' and falls this year on January 20th. The day is associated with feelings of sadness, low motivation, and a lack of energy. But – good news! - you can take action to protect yourself from the doom and gloom.

While many commentators will blather on about exercise, mediation, and not going on a massive bender, here are more practical and down to earth steps that you can take:

1. Avoid dismal stories about Blue Monday. Journalists will be wheeling out their lazy stories about Blue Monday – probably the same one they used last year. You don’t have to put up with this. Buy a Sunday newspaper and make it last through Monday. Or buy your favourite magazine instead. (Remember magazines ? Those things you used to read in WH Smith and then put back on the shelf.) But definitely don’t buy a newspaper on Monday.

2. Replace that non-non-stick frying pan. Few things in life are as depressing as a worn out non-stick pan. Fried eggs that should slide out easily are welded to the black bit on the pan, and get completely banjaxed as you try to lever them off with a spatula. Spare yourself. Replace that pan today!

3. Replace scissors that don’t work. Hot on the heels of dodgy pans are blunt or loose scissors. You know, the ones that chew feebly at plastic bags or bend your fingernails over instead of cutting them. Depressing, but fixable. Fight Blue Monday with a new pair of sharp scissors.

4. Sort out tax returns. Yes, they are due at the end of January, so you’ve messed it up again for this year. Make a diary note to do your tax return in December this year, so you can avoid a dismal January next year.

Finally, remember that there is no science behind Blue Monday.

Charities have co-opted it to promote mental health awareness and self-care, so – in a brilliantly self-defeating way - it gets more publicity than is healthy.

And social media likes to pile on and amplify the whole disheartening fiasco. So you should stay off social media on Monday as well. Instead, make a diary note to cut your fingernails with your new scissors.

Image: WikimediaImages - Pixabay

Labour to massively expand in-patient mental care for its critics

"For far too long," said a Labour party spokes-shrink, wielding a straight jacket in one hand and a sedative in the other, "British society has been starved of places where our most recalcitrant critics can be locked away to get the long-term psychiatric care they deserve.

"Take the City traders who irrationally sold UK government bonds - simply because they were scared of losing a packet on them.

"Well, they're just asking for trouble doing that, aren't they? From now on, we'll be sending Treasury bureaucrats into the dealing rooms to certify all those selling off UK bonds to be paranoid schizophrenics. Then they'll be locked up in the shiny new mental health units we're building until they promise to buy every single bond we issue. 

"And from now on, anyone making cheap gags about Rachel Reeves getting her education at the London Infant School of Economics can expect two years minimum of tender love and care from our specially-trained teams of Nurse Ratchetts, with no chance of parole.

"And that goes for members of the public who've been telling pollsters on the streets they won't vote Labour again.

"We as a government are desperately trying to get the economy growing and to stop making appalling blunders. The last thing we need is people asking out loud why we're so useless.

"You want to have go at us? Just try it, sunshine. See how many people can hear you ranting from inside a padded cell." 

image from pixabay