What do your kitchen appliances think about you?

A recent survey of kitchen appliances across the UK has revealed that many are dissatisfied with their working environment.

We visited the kitchen of Liam Moore, a 35-year-old social media manager from Basildon. Liam’s washing machine told us, 'The laundry he puts inside me is disgusting! His underwear always has skiddies on BOTH sides, thanks to his habit of turning them inside out to get two days' wear out of them. His socks smell revolting, and I try not to wonder why sometimes one of them is so stiff and crusty! And it’s not my fault all his t-shirts end up baggy and faded after only one wash – it’s because he never buys any decent clothes, it’s all cheap tat from Primark.'

Liam’s fridge complained, 'I do my best to keep his food fresh, but he leaves stuff on my shelves for months past its use-by date. And there’s never anything healthy. I don’t think I’ve seen a single fruit or vegetable in all the years I’ve been here. The only green thing inside me is mould. I’ve got a salad crisping drawer, but he uses that to keep beer in.'

Liam’s oven was also unhappy. 'I don’t know why he insisted on buying the same cooker he saw in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen on the telly, when he only ever uses me to cook frozen pizza. I feel so unfulfilled! And it’s the same for the microwave, he only uses that to heat up last night’s leftover takeaway curry for his breakfast.'

We also approached Liam’s bathroom appliances for comment, but his shower merely spluttered, 'I’ve seen some awful things!' before bursting into tears, and his toilet was too traumatised to even speak.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Makeup brand trials new slogan - 'Because men are really superficial'

A leading makeup brand today announced a new advertising campaign, leading with the slogan 'Because men are really superficial'.

'We all know it’s true,' said Brand Director Abigail Muesli. 'My single friend Jill is the most interesting woman around - she has a great sense of humour, she’s lived a fascinating life, she’s professionally very accomplished, and despite all that she’s charmingly modest.

'But men never find any of that out, because they don’t talk to her for long enough before they’re distracted by some heavily made up 20 year old in a short skirt.

'What I don’t get is - do they think we really look like this? Back when I was dating,' she recalled with a shudder, 'I remember I guy I met in a club and brought home. The next morning, when he saw me in the kitchen making breakfast, he assumed I was the male flatmate I’d told him about. Asked me if I knew where Abbie had got to.

'I suppose I should be grateful he remembered my name.'

Industry insiders are speculating about whether this will be start of a new era of honesty in advertising, which could see microwave meals advertised with the slogan “Because you’re lazy and fat' rather than some guff about being a busy young professional with no time to cook.

Similarly underwear designed more for comfort than attractiveness might use the slogan “Well, no one else is going to see them anyway'.

Contraceptive gel applied to shoulders is effective, but makes arms go floppy

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