Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil

The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’

Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.

In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.

Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.

At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 

Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'

Picture credit: deskpilot

Revealed: Women who make lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour get paid 5p an hour

In yet another scandal set to rock the much vaunted moral foundations of the Sussex’s business team, it has been revealed that the women who make lunch for the workers who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan Markle’s ‘ethical’ £700 handbag range get paid as little as 5p an hour and no more than 9p, with that sum only going to childless night shift workers who don’t require batch-bussing to the isolated plant.

In an investigation requiring just two phone calls, one of the women who makes the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who gets paid 5p an hour said, ‘It’s true. The women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour.’

Shockingly, some of the women who make lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who get paid 5p an hour are as young as 16 years old. One reported anonymously, ‘The women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags are usually older but some of the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who get paid 5p an hour are as young as 16.’

Meghan Markle refused to comment directly, but a representative of her office rejected the suggestion that the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour. ‘It is not true that the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour.’

Next story: WIN one of Meghan’s £700 ethical handbags!

Image: kizu666 - Pixabay

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Photo edited to imply Prince Harry has spine

A spokesman for Meghan Markle admitted today that a photo of her and Prince Harry had been edited before being released to news agencies.

The picture, taken during the couple’s famous interview with Oprah Winfrey, clearly implies that the ginger milksop has a spine and is able to sit upright unaided.

'It was never our intention to deceive anyone,” said Markle’s social media manager. “I simply tried to remove the image of Megan’s hand in the middle of Harry’s back, as it looked like she was working his mouth throughout the interview.

'Which obviously is garbage. He was so completely broken and emasculated by then, Megan wouldn’t even need to be in the room to guarantee he’d only say whatever she wanted.'

He also denied editing out Harry’s left hand in broadcast footage of the interview, which some have claimed was repeatedly tapping out “Please help me” in Morse code.