You've been back in work for a good couple of weeks into the New Year, more then enough time for you to 'decant' your boss's incessant use of gratuitous and meaningless corporate buzzwords in seemingly every single meeting and presentation 'going forward'. Here's a 'playback' of some of the most annoying:
'In my wheelhouse' - the origins of this phrase, used to indicate expertise in a particular area, are hotly debated by etymologists and social historians alike. Some connect it to nautical navigation with 19th century steamboats having a 'wheelhouse' containing the steering wheel. Others point to baseball journalism in the 1950s, with a batter's wheelhouse being the strike zone area where they have the most swinging power. Whatever it is, it certainly shouldn't be used by Pete, your regional sales manager, to boast about his ability to construct a basic Pivot table in Excel.
'Feed-forward meeting' - increasingly popular alternative to feedback meeting, used by your boss to give the impression that you should all be focusing on the future rather then reflecting on previous problems and issues. That said, he'll regularly remind you in the meeting of your shortcomings and general incompetence, just to keep you grounded.
'Take a look under the bonnet' - used by white-collar middle managers to describe having a closer look at a tricky management issue, such as signing off a holiday request or installing an updated version of Word on their laptop. Sometimes accompanied by physically rolling up sleeves on a shirt for extra effect. Designed to convey an image of being happy with manual labour and getting their hands dirty with a car engine, in reality, your team leader Mike doesn't even know where the screen wash goes in his Ford Focus. Dipstick? He most certainly is.
'My spidey sense ' - slightly weird turn of phrase taken from Spider-Man to indicate how your boss feels about something. The only reasonable response to this is to quote other famous phrases from the franchise back at them, such as sagely pointing out that 'with great PowerPoint slides comes great responsibility' or 'it's the menu choices for the weekly team catch up that make us who we are'.
'Strong headwinds' - more typically uttered by airline pilots experiencing challenging flying conditions 6 miles above earth, your boss Sarah has appropriated this phrase to get across the immediate dangers to life that are brought about by having a competitor firm who produces a broadly similar dull-as -shit product as the one that you make which might make your trading environment a tad more difficult.
'In the weeds' - is your boss Monty Don? Or does he or she head up a landscape gardening team? No? Thought not. Then they have absolutely no reason to use this phrase to describe a tedious work task that is moderately difficult, as in 'I'm really in the weeds redrafting this terms of reference document'. See also 'turning over the soil' and any retro tongue-in-cheek references to 'making hay while the sun shines'.
Best in class - is your boss a farmer, or someone giving out prizes at a weekly cattle auction? No. Again, thought not. So please don't allow them to sully the life work of your humble Hereford cow or Gloucester Old Spot pig by referring to your latest piece of sales tracking software with this moniker. See also 'Premier League' and 'Tungsten-grade'.
Image: RonaldCandonga - Pixabay
