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Jesus Returns to Earth for MaccieDs



Chowing down on a Filet-O-Fish and the odd loaf, Jesus today confirmed he had returned to Earth for a MaccieDs.


Commenting on speculation of a permanent return, Jesus denied such drastic action, ‘I’ve got it good in Heaven. Only problem is, God’s so lenient, staff hardly ever show up for work, which is a real pain when you want a takeaway. I’ve tried to talk Him into investing into those self-service stations but he wants to be seen as a people person, so for the moment it’s a no go.’



Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news



An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about obesity.


Colin Sandwich, who says his corpulence has prevented him having the acting career he might have, feels he would be ideal for this role.


”I was never gonna be Mr Darcy, I know that,” said Sandwich today. “I mean, who’d pay to see this wadin’ out of a lake in a clingy wet shirt? I wouldn’t wanna see it meself.


”But illustratin’ risin’ rates of diabetes, the cost to the NHS of weight loss drugs, or whatever? I’m there. Show me the doughnuts.


”And frankly issa disgrace the way the BBC just film random fat people in a shoppin’ centre. Thass takin’ work away from trained professionals, that is. No wonder I can’t make a livin’.”


However his wife Jeanette Sandwich pleaded with the BBC not to hire him for this, saying his only motivation is to be able to claim junk food as a business expense. 


“Believe it or not, I cook him healthy meals all the time. Which he eats, and then goes and has a McDonalds afterwards. It’s only gonna get worse if the junk food’s basically free.”


image from pixabay

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