Matt Hancock found living wild in ‘I’m a Celeb’ Jungle

Ever since featuring in ‘I’m a Celebrity’ last year, reports indicate that Matt Hancock never left the Australian jungle featured in the hit reality series, but is instead living as a wild mammal in the local ecosystem. Ahead of the upcoming season, the filmmakers returned to scout new filming locations when they stumbled across the former Health Secretary living wild with a colony of koalas. Speaking to press, a bewildered producer described the bizarre encounter:

‘It was a real shock to be honest with you. Our boom operator found him clinging tightly to a tree, fast asleep and half naked. He had made himself a hair-piece out of twigs and leaves which a few birds had made a nest in. We all thought he made it safely back to the UK last year, but I suppose no-one had really thought of him very much.’

After waking, he treated the film crew as a threat and is said to have uttered a noise similar to the word ‘Farage’ before scarpering off on all fours. A local Koala expert provided additional context to how Matt Hancock may have found himself here:

‘Koalas are notoriously languid creatures, preferring to sleep most of the day than engage with one another. When they are awake, they are known to dribble urine and make slow grunting noises. If Matt Hancock was to display any of this behaviour in the presence of a Koala population, they may just accept him as one of their own.’

As a result of the remarkable discovery, ITV has released plans to make Hancock’s new living conditions a post-show requirement for any politicians looking to appear on the show, beginning with Nigel Farage’s debut on Sunday.

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The Dog's Dinner

Matt Hancock returns from Celebrity SAS a right hard bastard

I’m here to interview Matt Hancock, the MP most likely to be given a wedgie by a 12 year-old, following his adventure with Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS. To my surprise there’s a cigarette dangling from his lip, unlit, as he launches himself at the revolving door. The door refuses to yield until a little old lady pushes past him and opens it, Hancock following in her wake.

Hancock throws himself into a chair, manspreading, his arms draped over the back of the chair in a pose of dominance. He’s wearing a distressed leather jacket and faded jeans. The cigarette is gone, presumably a casualty of the tussle with the door.

We start to talk but then he cuts away to signal a waiter. Several times. Waiters wander past our table, clearly looking for business, but Hancock is invisible.

‘Would you like something to drink?’ I ask, but he waves me away and puts his hand out to attract attention.

‘Oh this is ridiculous!’ he says, standing. ‘You! Yes, you. Could I . . . . oh, sorry, thought you worked here’. I look round and catch a waiter’s eye, and soon we’re both drinking coffee.

‘I take mine black now, and very strong’, he told me. ‘When you’ve done the things I’ve done, you want to test your body to the limit’. I can’t help noticing that he pulls a weaning face every time he takes a sip, and his coffee doesn’t go down.

I start with a gentle question: ‘SAS Who Dares Wins must have been quite a change from politics?’

‘Not at all’, he says, trying once more to drink some coffee. It still isn’t going down. ‘People have underestimated me all my life’. A couple of customers walk past making the ‘wanker’ gesture, which Hancock affects not to notice. ‘In another life I might have been a special forces soldier. Or a maverick cop. Maybe a private eye’.

‘I imagine a maverick cop would be able to win a fistfight without running away though?’

‘I didn’t run away, I was letting him tire himself out’.

‘But you got fairly battered. What was your proudest moment in the course?’

‘Right at the end I asked the DS – that’s what we call the Directing Staff in the special forces – I asked them how many people they’d killed. For some reason they made this face’ (Hancock makes a ‘disgusted’ face) ‘I’ve seen it before but it isn’t in any of the manuals they gave me when I joined the Conservative Party so I don’t know what it means. Anyway, after I’d followed them around for about an hour Mark Billingham eventually broke and shouted a number at me. I did that! I broke Mark Billingham’s spirit!’

‘And that’s what you’re proudest of?’

‘No, it was just . . . his figure is tiny compared to mine. Who’s the daddy now?’

Image: MBGX2 - Pixabay

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