An agent for Matt Gaetz has asserted that the Florida Republican 'has no recollection' of having intercourse with any non-human partners. Leaked court documents indicate Gaetz is currently being prosecuted for animal cruelty, a felony under Florida state law. The leaked prosecution briefs describe, in unfortunate granularity, Gaetz’ alleged intercourse with animals labelled in the documents as 'RUMINANT 1' and 'RUMINANT 2'.
A Gaetz spokesman reacted defiantly to the leak. 'This is all a smear by envious woke leftists who eat dinner alone with their cats. Matt Gaetz doesn’t just party like an animal, he parties with them! Sexy!'
Sources close to the investigation have confirmed that the ruminants at issue in the Gaetz case are goats. Billy, a spokesgoat for the American Association of Herbivores, reacted with unfettered disgust.
'Saying he can't remember having sex with goats isn't quite the same as saying he didn't, is it?' Billy baa-ed. 'The very thought turns my stomachs.'
Image: minka2507 - Pixabay