top of page
Search
A group of mathematics students trying to organise a game of 5-a-side have resolved the equation of player distribution into eleven against minus one, despite the solution being in the name of the game.
Second-year student Oliver Jaunt, commented: “Putting five players on each team logically cancelled each other out, effectively leaving the product of players as zero. This didn’t match the empirical evidence of there being ten of us waiting to play. Plus, it was getting cold, sugar levels were dropping, and four players needed a wee.
“We experimented by having the players line-up with legs astride the halfway line, wherein everyone could play quantumly for both teams at the same time, as long as they weren’t observed out of position.
“This worked as elegant mathematical symmetry. But, because nobody moved they were both onside and offside simultaneously, incurring yellow cards and subsequently getting sent off, which upset some players.
“To resolve the problem we borrowed a negative player for one side and added an imaginary player to the other which served as a functioning solution to how we could have a multi-player kickabout without reducing numbers to zero, and sobbing.
“Once the proof was submitted for review, we had run out of time on the pitch. So we had snacks, juice and another wee, then designed a computer program to simulate the match.
“It was thrilling, the game finished y+(x/x2) to minus nil. We’re playing Rugby 7s tomorrow”.
Experts in ancient symbolism have been looking at Ouroboros all wrong. For the past six thousand years it was believed that the serpent eating its own tail symbolised the endlessness of infinity.
But Professor Malcolm Oddfellow from the Royal Institute of Blowing Funding has finally cracked the age old mystery. 'The snake is not eating its own tail, it is simply excreting a new snake. It's odd because what animal would be so dim and so greedy to consume itself? Other than humans who achieve positions of power, obvs?
'This turns everything we know about the fundamentals of the universe on its head. It means that infinity doesn't exist and was just a handy made-up tool for lazy mathematicians to bung in when they couldn't be bothered to count really high.
'We now realise that because infinity does not exist, the universe cannot be infinite and there is an end to it - just a really, really long way away. But the most important part of our new understanding is that the finite universe is filled with infinite snakes, all shat out of the bunghole of a curled up cobra.'
Ouroboros was unavailable for comment because it was sticking its own tail down its throat due to being so sick of humans misinterpreting it. And also because mythical symbols rarely comment on the record.
bottom of page