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Fundamentalist Atheists storm nowhere, demand nothing, massacre no-one

The world was united in ambivalence yet again, this morning, as reports hit that Fundamentalist Atheists yet again did not storm anywhere demanding anything and in the process of this, killed no-one.


Whilst there was no announcement from the loosely branded organisation, World leaders seemed unphased and yet again failed to condemn their co-ordinated inaction. Religious leaders seemed almost united in their outrage with the Pope opining that the Atheists were "amateurs" and mused as to how they could get their message out there if they are not willing to abuse, maim or indoctrinate. A spokes-terrorist from The Islamic State said, "if we could find them, we'd wipe these people from the face of the Earth. We can't have them nonchalantly spreading a messaging of inadvertent tolerance and co-operation!"


We approached an atheist in Maidstone today and asked him to explain his inaction and he told us, "I'm just having a cup of coffee, mate." He again reinforced the stereotype of Atheist Fundamentalists just sitting about, getting on with their day not judging people based on anything but the content of their characters. He didn't even have a leaflet to tell me how to live my life. These people live among us.




In France, abattoirs are called 'pig-mashings'



An undercover investigator working for NewsBiscuit has returned from France after an in-depth look at the abattoirs of Nice. He was there on holiday anyway, and as they say in France, "two chickens one stone".


Arnold Cullins (not his real name) gained access to a series of animal processing plants a short way inland from the Riviera paradise, and learned an uncomfortable truth about how the unpalatable background of the meat on our plates is disguised. In a world exclusive, he shares this information with British consumers for the first time.


'In the UK, we call them abattoirs,' explained Cullins. 'Because we think of the French as sexy and chic, the word abattoir conjures the image of a mysterious place of beauty and finesse. Or maybe we don't even think about it at all. In fact, our high-end meat production plants which supply Michelin Star restaurants in the UK are run by a company called L'Abattoir Garnier. But If you put lipstick on a slaughtered pig to charge more for it, it's still just lipstick on an overpriced headless pig swinging upside-down from a hook on a Swindon industrial estate.


'In France, they call abattoirs "pig-mashings". For some of the general public with a basic understanding of English, this generates mental images of efficient culling without workers standing around stubbing out their Gauloises cigarettes on hanging carcasses, shrugging, and calling all-out strikes for six weeks. For the rest, they don't even stop to think about what pig-mashings means, and either way It makes the French feel more comfortable about all the slashing and blood which needs to take place to serve up a lovely cut of pork.


'Ironically, they don't serve Corned Beef in Cannes. But I went to a well classy restaurant in Nice and they don't call it Michelin Stars over there. They call it Dunlop Rings.'

More mass shootings essential say US Republicans



Reading from a well-thumbed template, a Republican spokesman said 'It's important not to politicise this tragedy in... wherever it is this time. By politicise, we mean do anything to prevent the next round of eminently avoidable slaughter.'

'Thoughts and prayers, that's our shtick... but what we're thinking about and what we're praying for is more mass shootings, ideally school shootings, more often. That constant stream of suffering and death means we can always say there has been a shooting too recently to pass gun control laws right now.'


'The NRA say guns don't kill people, rappers do. Anyway, nothing boosts gun sales - and therefore political donations - like 24/7 gun coverage. You say far right extremist with mental health issues. We say just another responsible gun owner - also thanks for reminding us to cut mental health funding. Snowflakes.'




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