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After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that 'Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo'. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was 'just an over-hyped DGI drone'. 'It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I'm stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.'
Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape - 'done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick' and looking for signs of earlier life. 'I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn't leave they'd probably have topped themselves, which isn't a bad idea' said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.
The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance's TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance's views. 'I think it's great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? - Not a euphemism, you understand,' it said today. 'I take PayPal.'
NASA's Perseverance rover has discovered a Starbucks coffee shop on the surface of Mars, in the clearest indication yet that the red planet has been home to life willing to pay ridiculous prices for hot drinks.
"This is a startling discovery that proves Mars has hosted life. And not just any life, but life intelligent enough to take a cup of coffee, give it a fancy name and charge an extortionate price for it in order to exploit less intelligent life." said Ken Farley, chief scientist for the project.
"Unfortunately this may well be where our mission ends, as Perseverance, in an attempt to secure samples, purchased a Venti caramel java chip frappuccino and a small chocolate brownie, pushing us massively over budget."
A spokesman for Starbucks explained that, while they were not personally aware of the company having locations on other planets, the news was not a surprise.
"Perseverance landed on Mars around seven months ago. In line with our aggressive expansion policy I would expect at least one or two new stores to have opened up there in that time. The only real shock is that it has taken this long for it to find one."
Shortly after discovering Starbucks the rover also sent back images of a Costa, McDonald's and four separate Subway stores.
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