Elon Musk to stop hitting himself when his school bully allows it

Multi billionaire and massive baby Elon Musk has denied that his hair style is in fact a result of his head being flushed down the toilet by some bigger boys who ran away. As he was the victim of a bathroom-based crime, Musk has blamed trans people for his plight.

Musk announced he would go and live on Mars if Kamala Harris was elected, which led to a massive upsurge in donations to her campaign.

A statement read 'My diamond slippers are too tight. This is because the nasty Democrats think I should pay something called "tax". Clearly I should not have to pay any "tax". Donald says I don't have to, tax is for schmucks like you. Huge, if true.'

'I liked Twitter so much, I bought the company. But like any woman I date, it’s now an X.'

Image: rebbeccadevitt0 - Pixabay

Travel to Mars delayed by astronauts' strike

The astronauts' union, Astronauts, Researchers & Space Engineers, is calling for a travel allowance, a ban on working nights, triple-time pay for working weekends and for all spacecraft to carry a guard. Many astronauts are also demanding the right to work from home.

'We have had to cancel next year's flight to Mars,' crackled the launch area's PA system, 'and delays to other services may be announced later. By the way, is that a suspicious package in your pocket?'

'This is the last straw!' said 60-year-old Ethel Brimstock as she set down her suitcase and sat wearily on it. 'It was tedious enough going through all the check-in procedures, and I really resented not being able to take a drink with me. But at least it makes a change from delays due to "leaves on the launch pad".

'There isn't even a replacement space-bus service going via the Saturn Ringsroad.'

New coal mine needed for Mars exploration coal-powered rocket says Rees Mogg

.