top of page
Search

Whitehall Voicemail August 2022




'You have reached the UK Government. We are currently on annual leave until September. Please hold and you will be put through to your Member of Parliament as soon as the donor funded Sambuca-fest on a private island in the Caribbean vomits forth its degenerate and soul-blackened gravy train.


Your cost of living crisis is important to us.


If you would like to receive a call back from the chinless moon-unit you had no choice but to vote for, please press 9.5 now and we will keep your space in the infinite queue for Universal Credit.


UK Government - Keeping Money On The Move.


This message was produced by Dunkirk Spirit plc – the company that brought you World War 2, Pot Noodle, Big Celebrity Dancing On Ice With The Stars Who Come Dine With Me, and Brexit! – the biscuit you can eat between meals because we’re British an’ no one tells us when we can eat a fackin’ biscuit!


Thank you.'

Demand for cut in price of Daily Mail now it will be using less ink


Now that there will be no reason to bolster Boris Johnson's fortunes and the Durham police have announced they won't be prosecuting Kier Starmer or Angela Rayner, the Daily Mail looks likely to be little more an advertising medium for crooked companies hoping to fleece pensioners of any savings they may have accrued. Readers have been pointing out how much ink will now be saved in printing the rag and are demanding the price should reflect this.


Doris Clegg 89 of Wakefield said: 'I still buy it to line the bottom of the budgie cage, but only because it happens to be just the right size. They conned me into voting Tory in 2019, but as you can see, I won't be doing that twice, so I welcome the saving on ink, but think they're taking the piss by charging for a newspaper with no stories in it.'

Particularly slow news day for right-wing press


Several right-of-centre news outlets have found themselves mysteriously short of political stories over the last few days.


Ian Ingram from the Express spluttered ‘There’s only Britannia’s eternal ascent into the sunlit uplands to report on at the moment. Boris and Allegra are doing a spiffing job showing those bureaucrats in Brussels who’s boss by having a good old British Christmas party. Can you still say Christmas or has that commie Corbyn banned it?’


Marianne Morrison from the Mail said ‘I want a photo of the real royal baby, Boris and Carrie’s latest. Calling all donors, they’ll have to redecorate again and wallpaper is very expensive. Plus Boris might need another Caribbean holiday.’


Luke Lyle from the Sun shouted ‘Oi oi! Our masters and – let’s face it – betters, have given us plebs some rules to follow. They should be allowed a massive party to celebrate, but don’t tell the cops. Or do, it won’t matter. So your nan died alone from Covid? If she didn’t have a nice rack, it’s not a story.‘


Clementine Carruthers from the Telegraph said: ‘Firstly, you should get back to your offices. At least if you work in office buildings owned by major Tory donors. But remember, no Christmas parties for you oiks. And in the entirely hypothetical scenario that the uplands are less than sunlit, Boris is always welcome here. He can do a monthly column, maybe impregnate a few interns and we’ll give him a nice six figure salary. That’s what chums do.’






bottom of page