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As “The Lunatics Are Taking Over The Asylum”, a popular British track from the early days of the Thatcher era become top of the American Hit Parade, Professor M.Odelmaker told Newsbiscuit there’s nothing new under the sun; and we can anticipate a revival in popularity of The Specials “Ghost Town” being played in every MAGA supporting town across the USA in the coming months.
The Professor went on to explain how these songs were more recent interpretations of the traditional folk music that generations of people around the world grew up hearing in folk clubs if they weren’t so stupid as to emulate the singers’ 70s practice of putting their fingers in their ears as they sang them, so never got the message that rich bastards were only ever interested in screwing fair maidens and nation states.
The Professor offered to play us some recordings from his extensive collection, which have tales of the prettier young boys and maidens, who weren’t exported from Africa to the West Indies as slaves, but were brought to England instead, for the pleasure of the aristocracy on a scale that would have impressed Caligula.
Unfortunately, we were unable to stay to listen to the Professor’s gramophone as we had a bus to catch; and had heard there was going to be a new Ukrainian teen refugee debuting her career as a stripper at the Rat and Ferret.
Only a week into the big job and President Trump has transformed the USA. Crime has vanished, nobody is sick and Canada is begging to join the party.
‘I was a sceptic’ said Marjorie Williams (58), a lifelong Democrat. ‘But then the Gold Man drove by, distributing ingots to every household, and I can afford to retire early’.
Every large American town now has a Gold Man, tasked with getting rid of all the pesky gold accumulating since America became Great again.
Formerly trans people have developed clarity over their sexuality and gender alignment, which has significantly improved their sense of well-being. Hurricanes have agreed to stay away from the United States after The Donald ‘had a word’, and all geographical features in the world have volunteered to be renamed ‘of America’.
Perhaps the best news is oil. No longer a hydrocarbon, oil has miraculously stopped producing CO2 when combusted, meaning that the polar bears can safely continue sitting on top of giant mints.
In other news, man, this is really good shit.
Photo by Pierre Blaché on Unsplash
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