MPs hoping to get big, gold medals for lying

Now that a substantial number of serving MPs are staring down the barrel of a pantomime gun with a banner hanging down saying 'P45' where trationally 'bang' would go, they are deciding on 'micro-qualifications' to help enable them to re-enter the job market, and medals for service have been suggested. Many of these MPs, who appear to be mainly supportive of right wing ideology, are finding potential employers have difficulty in determining what their skill sets actually are. Much like the electorate now, apparently.

One MP who is certain his tenure in the House of Commons is coming to an end said today, 'they agree I can talk about stuff, can be scathing about people who are in unfortunate positions and accept I want a big budget wage, but most have the head of HR job filled and don't need any more bastards in their organisations,' he pointed out.

Another commented on the medals, hoping they were to be made from pure gold and would be the size of dustbin lids, but privately just hoped the wads of notes in brown paper packages would continue to be pushed through his front door every thursday after he loses his seat. 'It's not like £84k plus £200k expenses are worth the effort - it's the backhanders, innit?' he said today.

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Leaked medical records reveal Boris Johnson has rare speech impediment

Doubts have been raised today over whether Boris Johnson is the most perfidious Prime Minister ever to rule Britain after medical records reveal he has an inability to pronounce "mis".

Dixie Rect, Professor of Linguistics from the University of Texas told our reporter "This is a terribly distressing condition for a politician to have. Imagine you wanted to tell a nation it has a world-misleading government but were unable to say mis, or "I mistook him to be a man of honour" when describing say, a cabinet minister friend who turned out to be a crook."

She went on to say "People suffering from speech impediments like these tend to spend so much time focusing on their defect, they forget to do simple things such as brushing their hair, or getting undressed before going to bed, with the consequence that when they appear to have slept in their suit, they probably have.

News of this unfortunate speech imperfection appears to have led to an immediate improvement in the PMs poll ratings.

Image: Unsplash/Annie Spratt

Terrorist organisation not claiming responsibility for any of its attacks on the UK

An unnamed terrorist group has been operating within the UK for some time, conducting a series of heinous and despicable attacks on the British public. Police and security services are reluctant to name the organisation for fear of further severe recriminations against them.

It is believed that the current leader of the group spent many years operating in a London-based cell before campaigns of death and destruction were moved up to a national level. The terrorist organisation has an unfathomably large number of members and backers and is very well funded by wealthy donors, many based in Britain.

The public have been warned that no part of the UK is safe, and that almost every individual and organisation operating in the UK has suffered personal and material losses. It is understood that the terrorist organisation is responsible for the deaths of more than 150,000 people, many in circumstances too sickening to describe.

If you suspect you have been targeted, it has been suggested that there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. All of the institutions which would normally seek to investigate these numerous and widespread terrorist crimes and act against them have been deliberately undermined to a point of impotence.

Anyone with any information has been urged not to come forward, keep their mouth shut, and pretend like it isn't happening.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalway-3008341/

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